Monster That I Am
by X-Sparker
Summary: Axel said, "Look, kid. It was nice knowing you, but I'm afraid your 'Getting-to-Know-Your-Neighborhood-Killer' thing has to stop."
1. Chapter 1

**Monster that I am**

Disclaimer: KH is a product of Square Enix and Disney.

Warning: Extreme language below. I mean it. If you're not comfortable with the f word popping up every other two paragraphs, don't scroll down. Also, very disturbing familial incest/statutory rape that can mind rape you. A bit of Axel/Riku in flashbacks. Hurt, suffering and angst all piled up in eight chapters. Read this at your own risk. But if you have the endurance you may find something at the end.

Summary: Axel said, "Look, kid. It was nice knowing you, but I'm afraid your 'Getting-to-Know-Your-Neighborhood-Killer' thing has to stop."

Author's note: So, after reading **Amor Tutti Fa Uguali** by Annie Christ, I decided that I wanted to write about problems too. And this thing forced-bore itself out of my brain. But please, please, read the warning above. The background story is REALLY disturbing. I almost wanted to get a hammer and break open my skull and rake my brains out when I wrote this. I seriously had to force myself to punch in every single letter because it was so disturbing that my fingers developed a repulsion against completing the background story. It was that bad.

Inspiration credit: The entire _Meteora_ album by Linkin Park.

* * *

A group of men in orange jumpsuits were rounded up in the courtyard, fenced by rotting iron, squatting in line with their hands tied behind their backs. Their heads just barely reach the height of the guard's groin. The guard was aimlessly thumping a rhythm with his baton against the other palm.

The rhythm aggravated his somewhat calm nerves. He stared through the glass of the window and the diamond shapes of the fences at the men in orange jumpsuits and the guard standing tall above them.

Never again.

The guard next to him, separated by a piece of glass, tossed his keys and practically empty wallet onto the counter below the glass.

"Just sign here and grab your stuff."

Silently he did as told, with the handcuff still in place, making his signature more or less an illegible blotch of ink. After grabbing the things in one hand, he turned around to let the other guard unlock the cuffs.

The iron door cringed horribly as the guard opened it. No one said anything. He headed out to the second door, and, for the first time in five years, opened a door with his own hands.

The outside was just like what it was – when you haven't been there in five years, it feels genuinely weird. Like it's some sort of nostalgic unfamiliarity.

* * *

"_You killed her!" Standing up from the carved wooden chair, his father screamed with all he could, tears smearing across his eyes and face, "You murderer! You killed her!"_

"_Order in the Court!" The Judge punched the gavel against the sound block._

_Amidst all the chaos he could do nothing but leave a look of cold blank expression on his face. The saddest thing in this whole fucking mess was that he didn't even care enough to say anything, or even to defend himself, or lie about it for that matter._

* * *

He had a younger sister, but he didn't expect her to come pick him up, and she did not. He walked along the highway alone, his worn shoes kicking against the gravel. The Arizonan sky was blinding white, the desert a scorching heat. He'll probably just end up dying out here. Maybe he'll get bitten by a rattlesnake. It was impossible to think that he could make it back home alive in the state without vehicular transportation and somewhere to stay at night.

A car pulled over twenty yards in front of him, despite the profane objection of the driver in the car behind. He looked up at the unfamiliar vehicle with a familiar license plate. Someone climbed out of the driver's seat.

"Axel!" Yelled his long-time friend Demyx, with a grinning face, twenty yards away. "I was going to pick you up but they told me you already took off! Where'd you think you were going with only those two feet of yours?"

"I don't know." Axel yelled back with a grin. "I was going to stop at the nearest motel."

Demyx feigned a search around for motels in the obviously empty desert, "There's nothing around here!"

Axel chuckled again as he finally reached the car. They greeted with a bro shake and a few fist pounds on each other's back.

"You got a new car?" Axel eyed the lowly rumbling machine under his touch.

"Yeah, traded in that old Pontiac for this." Demxy said. "With a couple grands on top."

"Where'd you get the money?" Axel asked as they climbed in.

"Ol' Luxord helped me with half of it." The engine started smoothly, unlike the old girl Demyx was talking about. She'd been good and done her time. Demyx saw the puzzled look on Axel's face. They merged back onto the road. "I… I own part of the diner now… A lot's been changed since you left, man."

"I'd figure as much." Axel replied quietly, both of them uncomfortably aware of the past that they both avoid talking about.

* * *

_He'd wake up in his cell, on the stone cold bed, all sweated and rigid. He'd seen it again. Her cold and stiff body, the hanging feet that wavers in front of the setting sun, through the window. It was exactly what he wanted, and it was exactly what he didn't want. He sat up from the bed and put his cold feet on the icy floor. It was far too early for wake up yet, and as much as he wanted a warm shower to shake off the chills, the guards would never let him out._

_This is what you get for it. You deserve it._

_No. Yes. No! Yes, and you know it. No, please. Please. Forgive me. Never. Please. I didn't want to. Yes you did. No. Yes. Yes, I did._

* * *

The usually lively and outgoing town had grown silent today. Mrs. Taudy, who always sat on her front porch in the afternoon watching the children play, had gone back into the house soon after one pm. Mrs. Marren, who always went out at the same exact time everyday to get the groceries, had forfeited the daily routine in ops of a weekly routine instead. Every family had forbidden their children from playing outside at least for today, if not for the whole week.

"Mom, I'm heading out." A teenage boy said after pulling his shoes on.

"Where are you going?" Mrs. Strife threw down the knife she was cutting beef with, fright overwhelming her in a moment. "Don't go out there!"

"What?" The boy turned back around, one hand on the doorknob. "I've got to work, remember?"

"Well, Roxas, why don't you… stay home today, hm?" His mother asked. "You don't have to work so hard all the time. Get some rest."

"I can't just skip work like that." Roxas frowned, ignoring his mother's objection. "Where's your sense of responsibility?"

"Roxas!" His mother reproachfully said, but he headed out the door.

He'd noticed the unusual quietness of the street; it probably had something to do with his mother's outbreak of abnormality, but nobody bothered to tell him what it was. Only upon passing his best friend's house did someone come out the door.

"Roxas! What are you doing out here?" Sora ran up to his friend.

"What's wrong with everyone today?" Roxas rolled his eyes. "I've got a part-time job at Safeway, remember?"

"But… there's a dangerous person… Oh, wait, you didn't know?" Sora asked.

"Know what?" said Roxas.

"Oh, right. You guys didn't move here until after the incident."

"What incident?"

"There was a killer in our neighborhood." Sora replied. "I heard he's getting released today. That's why everyone's paranoid. They think he's coming back here."

"What do you mean he's coming back?"

"He used to live here." Sora said. "You remember that house at the end of the drive that you said no one seems to ever go in or out of it? That's where they lived."

"They?"

"There was a family. Something happened – I don't know the details. But all I know is that…"

Before Sora finished, a car has pulled into the drive. Sora yelped and his body went rigid. Roxas only frowned and stared.

* * *

They pulled into the dead silent driveway. Axel wasn't surprised to see there weren't many people around. Only two kids about the age of sixteen were standing along the sidewalk. One of them had such a stare that Axel felt the need to stare back.

"Well, we're here." Demyx parked the car.

"I'll be just a bit." Axel said to Demyx, climbing out of the car.

"Yeah, sure." Demyx said. "Oh, hey man. You wanna grab some beer after this?"

"Beer? I'm not…" Axel trailed off. He was old enough now to drink. "Actually, that sounds great."

"Yea." Demyx smirked. "Man, your hair really is short."

Axel ran his hand over his almost non-existent hair. Buzz cuts were mandatory in there.

"Yeah, well, watch me grow it back and dye it right back to the color it was." He said, and turned around to head for the house. The plants around the front yard had either grown into eerie overhangs or withered away. He wondered for a moment if the locks hadn't been changed, but tried his keys anyway. They worked.

* * *

"_The trip will be two weeks long." His father said, fixing his tie in the mirror. His mother was cooking silently, her waist twisting in rhythm with every move she made with the spatula. He was sitting behind the kitchen counter, watching her cook._

"_Well, okay, honey." She replied, after what felt like too long a pause. "I'll wait for you right here."_

_Liar._

"_I'll try to be back as soon as I can." His father smiled gently, and pulled her in for a kiss._

_Would it be him this time? Or would she bring someone home? Or maybe both?_

"_Be a good boy to your mom when I'm gone, okay?" His father turned to him._

"_Don't worry, Pop." He said._

* * *

He grabbed only the most essential needs – clothing, spare change, passport, checkbooks. The mail had stopped with the notice of termination of service from the gas and electric company. Maybe he'd even go find his lawyer to talk about selling the damn place.

As he came out of the house, locking it up probably for the last couple of times, he caught a movement on the street. It was Mrs. Caloure. She'd adored him when he was a kid. She was pushing the two boys from earlier into her house. One of them was brunet, and he was scurrying back into the house compliantly. The other wasn't so cooperative, and he was the one staring at Axel before – the blond one. Disregarding them, Axel moved towards Demyx's car.

"You murderer." She mumbled under her breath. Axel stopped. "What are you still doing here?"

He said nothing. Only a cold blank expression.

"Go away!" She screamed, throwing at him the fruits she could grab from a bowl near her door. "Leave this town! Don't ever come back!"

"Mrs. Caloure!" The blond boy yelled, trying to pull her back.

"Hey! What are you doing, bitch?" Demyx heard the outcry and almost lunged at her. She was stupefied at what he called her. Axel pushed Demyx back.

"It's alright, Mrs. Caloure. It'll be the last time you're seeing me anyway." He gave her a cold, impersonal, almost satanically horrifying smile. He and Demyx turned back to the car.

"Hey!" The blond boy yelled, stepping out from the porch.

"Roxas!" Sora exclaimed worriedly.

"Apologize!" Roxas demanded at Demyx. "Apologize for what you called her!"

"Huh?" Demyx looked at Roxas as if he was stupid. "'xcuse me?"

"I said apologize!" Roxas repeated, not backing down from the two taller men.

"Kid, you wanna pick a fight?" Demyx inched over to the boy. "You know who you up against?"

"I don't care who you are!" Roxas spat back in Demyx's face. "You talk like that to anyone here, you apologize!"

"Demyx. It's my day. Don't ruin it." Axel pulled his friend by the shoulder. "Let's go."

They climbed back into the car, despite Roxas' protest.

"Roxas! It's alright, boy!" Mrs. Caloure pulled Roxas back. "I don't mind, just let them leave. I just want them to leave!"

* * *

"_Did you hear? The Denzil's are divorcing."_

"_Really? What happened?"_

"_I don't know, I heard that…"_

_All voices are talking; all ears are hearing, all eyes are looking._

"_Poor Axel and Kairi…"_

"_What would they do with them?"_

_You people don't know shit. Quit acting like you care. Would you actually care if you knew the truth? Knew what was really going on? You didn't even care enough to find out._

"_He must be traumatized…"_

_You people don't know shit._

* * *

"Who was that?" Demyx asked in the car as they drove to a nearby Safeway to get their beer.

"Mrs. Caloure. An old neighbor." Axel quietly replied.

"No, I'm talking about the kid."

"Which one?"

"The blond one."

"I don't know." Axel shrugged. "Never seen him before."

"Kid had some balls." Demyx laughed.

"It wasn't like you were actually gonna soup him up." Axel retorted.

"Naw. But he still had some balls." Demyx said as they pulled into the parking lot.

They got double boxes of beer, some snacks, water, Demyx got some diapers for his baby, and finally, Axel some much-needed cigarettes.

"I thought you'd quit when you were in there." Demyx said as he moved along in the line.

"And I thought you'd never have a kid of your own." Axel said as he opened his wallet. Fortunately his ID and credit cards were still valid; little proof of what he was worth before prison.

"Hey, I love that kid." Demyx said as he paid. "Cutest thing I'd ever seen in my life."

"Would you like plastic or paper bag?" A clerk interrupted their conversation. Axel turned to say "plastic" halfheartedly, but instead saw the blond boy from earlier.

"Ah." Roxas, at the same time, recognized them.

"Oh ho," Demyx laughed. "What a coincidence."

Roxas' face immediately grew unpleasant, or maybe even angry.

"Yes, it must be my unlucky day today." He said.

"Aw, loosen up, kid." Demyx said. "I'm sorry, man, I really didn't want to call that lady that. It's just what she was doing to Axel isn't fair."

"What's not fair about calling someone for what they are?" Roxas mumbled. "Sora told me about you. Said you were responsible for your own mother's death five years ago."

"And you believe it?" Axel asked simply.

Roxas thought he caught a trace of cynical smirk on Axel's face, but before he could react to it, his lips slipped out, "Yes…"

_You people don't know shit._

"Well, that's a shame." Axel said in a tone that clearly read 'I didn't expect anything more from you than that'.

"Wait, what do you mean?" Roxas asked behind the leaving figure. Axel ignored him and went his way. Upon getting his stuff, Demyx followed suit.

* * *

"_Apologize!" He heard. His knee was scraped and he was bleeding blood from the corner of his lips. Whoever said that was in front of him, blocking his vision from the other guys._

"_Hello? Where are you from? Mars?" One of them said. "Why the fuck do we have to apologize?"_

"_No one has the right to beat another person up." The voice said. "Apologize for what you've done!"_

"_Hell no, we ain't apologizing to no fucking momma's boy."_

"_You…!"_

"_Dude, leave it." Axel stood up and patted his classmate's shoulder. "I don't wanna get you into trouble too."_

_Turning around, his classmate gave him a reassuring smile that was half-blurred by the soft sunlight, and turned back to the guys. "I've already called the teachers." He said to the bullies. "Rather, you guys should leave now if you don't wanna get into trouble."_

_The crowd pushed each other away with a few grumbles. Axel took a good look at his savior. It was the kid from his science class. If he remembered correctly, his name was Riku._

"_Thanks, man." Axel smiled._

"_No problem." Riku said. "Though, I couldn't see why you'd be one of their targets."_

"_It's 'cause…" He was almost tempted to tell the truth, but the last string of logic pulled it back. "They're just losers."_

"_Well, you've got that right." Riku shrugged in a matter-of-fact manner. A pause came before both of them burst out laughing, Axel wincing loudly afterwards from the pain that came from the spot on his stomach where he got kicked in. But it felt amazing. It was the first time someone was there for him, without reason, unconditionally. They went to Riku's house afterwards so Riku could patch Axel up. It got Axel's heart racing, sitting there letting Riku gently handle where he'd been hit to bruise blue. He knew he was in love._

* * *

With a swift stroke, the lighter breathes out a clean white-bluish flame. He brought the flame close to the cigarette and lit it up. Sucking in two small breaths, Axel sighed out in an ambivalence of relief and stress. Demyx came up behind him with a pat on the back.

"You ever thought of what you're doing next?" He asked.

"Thought about it." Axel shrugged, scratching his hair root with the cigarette in hand. Demyx's hands were full of grocery bags. A Daddy now. He couldn't stay and bother them for too long. "Get a job. Try to find a place for myself."

"You don't have to hurry to get out, you know." Demyx said. "You're welcome at ours anytime. I mean it."

"Sure, man." Axel took another breath of the cigarette. "Let's go."

* * *

After note: This is only the beginning of it all...


	2. Chapter 2

**Monster that I am**

Chapter 2

Warning: Extreme language below and disturbing images. Read at your own risk.

Summary: Axel said, "Look, kid. It was nice knowing you, but I'm afraid your 'Getting-to-Know-Your-Neighborhood-Killer' thing has to stop."

* * *

He found a job at a nearby auto shop. They were looking for someone who didn't mind the low pay and he seemed decent enough. He'd done the math and given that he's got such a low-maintenance lifestyle to keep, he'd be able to get his own car in about three months. Demyx had understood without needing Axel to tell him that Axel just wasn't going back to school. That was what Axel liked about their friendship – they don't have to spell everything out loud and could still understand each other. Axel'd also seen the little one; Demyx was right, he was adorable.

It was looking to be a good restart. The only nuisance was that the gas station the auto shop belonged to happened to be a block away from the strip mall that contained the Safeway at which the blond kid worked at. There was already a couple times when they passed each other on their opposite ways, Axel on the sidewalk and the kid on a skateboard. His fucking glare just gets right under Axel's skin.

Just disregard him, Axel would tell himself.

"You figure he wants something?" His colleagues _loved_ lunchtime gossip, even if the blind would see them as big macho muscle dudes.

"Don't know, man. He's been hanging around during lunch everyday since Tuesday, ya?"

"If he wanted something, he woulda came up, no?" A third one said.

"Maybe we should go talk to him." The first one said back.

Another car with a busted muffler… how do people manage to do these damages?

"I don't wanna do it. I get mistaken as the bad guy every time!"

"So do I."

"Ditto."

"Hey, make the new guy go do it." The second one said, peering over at the working man, half of his body slid under a car.

"Hey, freshie!" The first one yelled. "I think someone's here to see you!"

Axel was halfway swearing at the car and had also wanted to swear at the three slackers, but they were his seniors and that would be bad. He let down the wrench in his hand and slid out from under the car. Picking up a towel as he stood up, he walked over to where his colleagues thrust their thumbs to a hooded figure sitting behind the bushes that lined the gas station.

"You got somethin' broken you need fixin'?" Sweat was dripping down his nose. It was ridiculously hot out here. The hooded person turned around in shock.

It was little Blondie.

"I…"

"What you doing here?" Axel frowned.

Roxas turned his eyes away from Axel's. He didn't really have anything, except a question. And he didn't expect to see Axel like this, all greased up with dirt and sweat. Well, he didn't expect Axel to come up to him at all.

"I couldn't forget what you said last time." Roxas said, an equally deep frown on his face. "What did you mean? I had to find out."

"What did I say?" Axel made a face that meant he clearly didn't give enough of a fuck about their last conversation to remember.

"You said… 'That's a shame.' What did you mean?"

"Oh… that." Axel nodded halfheartedly. "It didn't mean anything, so just forget it, okay?" He just wanted to go back to work.

"No." Roxas followed him. "There's more to it than that, isn't there? What really happened five years ago?"

"Look, kid!" Axel snapped. "I don't have the time to fulfill your own little fucking curiosity, and I've got not one single reason to tell you anything about what happened, so fuck off, alright?"

It was bad enough that when in prison there had been visits from reporters who were still keen on finding out the truth of it all. Now that he's out he has to deal with some fucking teenager with too much curiosity put into the wrong use. Just what did the world had against him?

* * *

_A crowd had gathered outside with the arrival of the cops. The head detective, a bald man, came up to him with some papers in his hand._

"_I'm going to explain what's going to happen in the next few moments, alright?" He asked. Axel slowly nodded. "Under this court warranty I have here, you are hereby arrested for charges related to the recent death of late Mrs. Denzil. You have the right to remain silent, but anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford one, the State will provide you with one. Do you understand your rights?"_

_He nodded again. The officers locked the handcuffs in place and led him outside the house. Everyone's eyes remained wide open. There was nothing but silence in the air. Were they just shocked? Were they trying to figure out what was going on, why he was being arrested?_

"_Axel, you didn't do it, right?" Mrs. Caloure was leaning against the KEEP OUT tape, looking for an answer from the nineteen-year-old teenager. "You can tell me, boy. Tell us the truth."_

"_You're wrong, Mrs. Caloure." He said, feeling the last drop of evil trickling down his heart. When she heard his answer, the look she had on her face was one of those impossible to be described with words. Shock is understating; disbelief—maybe; horror would be the closest.

* * *

_

The little one had woken up in the middle of the night crying. Axel wondered if he should go check up on it. Usually Demyx or his wife would be at it pretty soon. Maybe it'd peed or something.

Axel crawled out of his bed after the crying hasn't stopped for five minutes. He'd never been in their room with them in it before. It felt wrong just going in even if he'd knocked lightly. The dim blue moonlight outlined two naked people in the bed, well covered by the sheets. He tried hardest not to make any sound, and picked up the baby from its cradle.

He doesn't know how to deal with crying babies, but at least it didn't feel or smell like pee or shit.

"It's just hungry…" He mumbled to himself, putting the baby in the high chair. When he'd figured out how to get the milk thing work right, he let the little one just grab the bottle and suck the hell out of it on its own. It has tiny fingers—so tiny Axel could easily crush them with his palm. The eyes were huge for a baby and they were seagreen, just like its father's. Just a fair and soft tuft of hair on the fragile skull.

An eight-pound embodiment of life. It fascinated Axel.

Someone trod down the stairs with a drunken rhythm. Axel turned and saw a groggy Demyx in nothing but boxers.

"Lucky night?" Axel asked with a smirk.

"Yeaoh." Demyx slurred, and became a little more awake when he saw his baby. "Hey, buddy. How'd you get down here, huh? Huh?" He tickled the baby, who was done with the bottle already and was just wanting some attention.

"I'm glad it wasn't diaper change." Axel shook his head with a grin and grabbed a coke from the fridge.

"Yeah." Demyx picked the baby up into his arms and turned to his friend. "Thanks for doing this. Feeding him, I mean."

"It's nothing." Axel waved a hand at him. "You guys deserve a little rest from this little monster from time to time."

Demyx chuckled at the comment. Axel's eyes were downcast and they traced the pattern outline on the kitchen tiles. He felt a question coming on.

"Say, you ever think you'd be able to do this ever again?" Demyx asked.

"Do what?" Axel sipped from his coke, his eyes not leaving the tiles. "Babysitting?"

"No." Demyx said. "I meant sex. Would you ever be able to?"

"The fuck kind of question is that?" Axel meant it seriously and yet he couldn't help laughing. "And how the fuck should I know?"

"There wasn't anything that happened… in jail? I mean, I heard it's…"

"There were attempts, yes." Axel nodded. "But I learned how to deal with problems in there."

"So it's cool?"

"I don't know, man." Axel shrugged. "Maybe if I meet someone hot enough. Why do you want to know anyway?"

"Just wondering." Demyx shrugged too. "Thought it'd help if you could understand what it's like to make love."

"I think I learned a little too much about it." Axel downed the last of his soda and rinsed the empty can, shooting it into the recycle bin. "'Night."

"Good night."

* * *

_The sun blinded half of his vision through the blinds. Riku was taller than him by two whole inches. He'd always poked fun at him for that. But Axel firmly believed that one day he'd outgrow Riku._

_For the moment, however, Riku was still taller than him._

"_You know, you're not cute when you try to be taller than me." Riku whispered. "Especially not when I'm trying to kiss you."_

"_But I hate it!" He said, letting out a laugh that really more resembled a giggle and was so girly it embarrassed him to no end. "God, I hate you."_

"_I love you too." Riku chuckled and planted a light kiss on his lips. They laughed, then they made out. Riku was ridiculously good at kissing. It felt completely different, even if it was physically the same thing. Or maybe it wasn't. Maybe their love had changed the meaning of it so deep that it wasn't even the same thing.

* * *

_

In Arizona there's never anywhere that you could go without needing a car. But on the other hand, the weather was always clear enough for a walk. Sometimes it would be too hot, but today was exceptionally cool. Axel felt like getting out of the house to get away from the people and the noise, so he went for a walk on his own. It felt already like a privilege to be able to walk the streets alone without anyone staring at him.

It was when he strolled in a park that his lawyer decided to return his call from three days ago.

"I'm so sorry about this." The man said. "I'm in the area; would you be available to meet up in a little while?"

"Yeah." He said. "I'll be at the house in about half an hour."

"Sounds good."

Finally, he could put an end to it all. He stepped off the cobblestone-paved walkway of the park and onto the rough sidewalk. But even as he thought so, when he walked into the neighborhood the mood in the air immediately changed. Some children got called back into their houses. He ignored this and went on to his house.

"How are you, Axel?" His lawyer greeted him. His lawyer was one of those kinds of people that understood a lot of things even if they never said anything about it.

"I've been worse." He murmured.

"I really…" His lawyer started, but forwent it. "Let's do this, shall we? Put an end to it, finally."

"Yeah." Axel was glad to know that they were on the same page.

"Well, I've done some research before coming out here today." His lawyer said, "Honestly, though, this place isn't looking too good unless you do a complete renovation. From scrap."

"You know I don't have the money for that." Axel shrugged.

"Yeah." His lawyer sighed, and continued, "What I'd suggest you to do is just sell the land to a developer instead and let them take care of the mess. If you do that though, you'd get less money, first of all; second, they might tear the house down, I can't guarantee anything."

To be completely frank, he thought that would be even better.

"I don't care." Axel gave another shrug of his shoulders, "Sooner I'm rid of this place, the better."

"I thought so." His lawyer replied. "I'll go ahead and get the paperwork started, then."

"Thanks." Axel said. They stood up from the chairs in the small dining space.

"So… have you got any plans for yourself in the future?" His lawyer asked out of curiosity.

"I got a job." Axel gave a flat grin. "I'll get my own car once I've settled into my job, and then hopefully a place for myself."

"Sounds like a great start." His lawyer nodded with relief. "Get something to do. Keep everything straight and simple."

"Yeah." Axel said. For a moment he looked so fragile his lawyer wished there was more he could've done for him.

"Well, I should get going now."

Axel nodded silently and followed him out. Amidst the neighbor's stares, his lawyer headed towards his car. Axel saw someone approach them and put his face into his palm when he recognized who it was.

"Are you Axel's lawyer?" Roxas asked.

"Yes." His lawyer eyed the boy and then turned back to Axel. "Someone you know?"

"Unfortunately, yes." Axel rolled his eyes up to the blue sky. "Don't mind him; just ignore his questions."

"Wait, I just wanna ask why he only got five years if he was responsible for someone's death?" Roxas asked boldly. "You're a lawyer; how can murder charges get such a low sentence?"

"I'm sorry, young man, I have a confidentiality policy to protect." The lawyer shrugged.

"Well, okay, then I'm just asking a purely law-related question;" Roxas paused to rephrase, "Under Arizona State Law, what is the minimal sentence for a murder conviction? And what charges can result in a five-year sentence? Please, I'm interested in studying law." Liar.

"For your first question," The lawyer said. "Twenty-five years in prison. Your second question is too broad, son. There are so many that would fit as an answer to your question."

"Just give me some examples." Roxas insisted, eyeing Axel out the corner of his eyes. He was clearly annoyed.

"So many… Arson or theft, for example." He shrugged.

"Leonhart!" Axel grumbled.

"Child abuse-related charges, too." The lawyer said, his eyes not leaving his client. Axel went silent. "And involuntary manslaughter."

There was something about the way air stood still in the atmosphere that made Roxas stop questioning. The lawyer climbed into his car and drove off. Axel wanted to make a face at him but instead just sighed and walked. Snapping out of a deep-thought haze, Roxas followed close behind the ex-convict.

* * *

"_You've got to testify this in front of the judge and jury in court!" His lawyer said. "It'll help you get a much lower sentence, if not anything else…"_

"_No." He said monotonously with a slight shake of his head. He had sinned—dipped his hands in Satan's pool of blood—and nothing that he does could ever erase his crime. He deserves the worst sentence, whatever it is. Drips of evil had completely trickled away from his heart and now he was starting to feel the pain of guilt. To testify was to further desecrate her, or what was remained of her after he'd stepped onto her._

"_Axel…" His lawyer frowned. "I know you feel guilty about it, but it's not your fault. You're the victim."_

"_No." He knew in his heart that he wasn't the victim. Or at least if he was, then he was as much the perpetrator as the victim.

* * *

_

Axel had almost considered filing for a restraining order against the damn kid. What was he thinking following a formerly convicted murderer? The only thing that stopped him from actually making the call was seeing his father at the door of Demyx's townhouse.

Neither of them had pleasant expressions on their faces.

"I just received a call about the house." His father said. Time had etched onto his features the evidence of age. "My lawyer said you're trying to sell it without my permission."

"What do I need your permission for?" Axel asked. Something about the way he glares at his father made the latter feel weaker, somehow.

"This was _our_ house!" The elder man said.

"You left it seven years ago when you left me with her." Axel retorted. "You have some face coming back claiming it as your own."

"I'm going to sue you for property breach." His father said. Loathing was seeping through his words.

Axel sighed. There was a lump forming behind his throat, making it harder to talk. He wondered if his father and Roxas could tell the change in his voice. "Yeah, nice to know you were there for me the whole time, Pop. Five years in prison wasn't enough for your fucking good-for-nothing son. You know what? You can go ahead and try to sue me. I really don't give a fuck anymore."

"You…!"

"Word of advice: if you're going to sue me, you better talk to my lawyer rather than me. You know lawyers are stringent about that kind of stuff." Axel said, shrugging off his father's anger in disregard. His father, baffled with no better retort, turned away to leave, only to bump his way out of Roxas' shoulder. Roxas didn't know how to react to the situation, and he had no way of; he was an outsider.


	3. Chapter 3

**Monster that I am**

Chapter 3

Warning: Extreme language below and disturbing images. Read at your own risk.

Summary: Axel said, "Look, kid. It was nice knowing you, but I'm afraid your 'Getting-to-Know-Your-Neighborhood-Killer' thing has to stop."

* * *

_He can't quite remember what expression he exactly had on his face at that time. It would probably border something along the lines of shock and emotionless. But those expressions, when put on his face, unfortunately look very similar to his look of apathy—or at least, most people interpret it that way._

"_You've got to believe me, Axel." Her hands were on both his shoulders. She was sobbing. "You've got to believe Mommy. I didn't do it on purpose. It's just… your Papa is gone for so long and Mommy's so lonely…"_

_The man behind her, a big man—at least six-foot-two, he remembers, if not taller—was indifferently dressing himself back up._

"_You've got to promise me, Axel." She sobbed. "Don't tell Papa. This is our secret, okay? Only between you and me. You've got to make me that promise."

* * *

_

When he looked into the mirror, he hated to see that he resembled his father. A sharp nose and brow bones, two green eyes and high cheekbones. He always thought that was part of the reason why she favored him. So he tried to do a lot to distinguish himself from his father. He'd dyed his hair blood red, for example, despite both his parents' protests. He'd gotten his ears pierced, something his father would never do. He had even gotten a tattoo on his chest, but that didn't seem to change anything. There was just simply nothing he could do to stop her.

Maybe if I'd killed myself, he'd thought for more than once.

Looking down at the new shaving blade in his hand, he realized how sharp the thing was. It would only take a small cut to do some reasonable damage. He had so many chances to do it before; if he had, maybe things would have been different.

"Axel!" Demyx called outside the bathroom. "Your sister's here to see you."

That was a surprise. He hadn't expected her to come around this soon.

"I'll be there in a minute." He replied, and switched in the blade, tossing the old one out.

She's twenty-one now. She visited him in prison a couple of times every other year, each time lying to their father that she was going to the mall with her friends. She's in college studying humanities and interned at one of the UNICEF offices last summer. When it comes to his pride, there wasn't anything else that would replace her. He'd been worried too, for when he was arrested, she was only sixteen; ask the whole world's big brothers and there wouldn't be a single one who wouldn't be worried for their sixteen-year-old sisters.

"Dad mentioned you the day before." She said. Everyone was seated on the sofa in the living room, and somehow it was awkward. "So I thought I'd come by to visit."

She'd grown into a beautiful, polite and gentle woman. She was always a little held back in front of him; after all, he never had the chance to tell her what really happened.

"Yeah." Axel said. "What did he say?"

"He… he was very angry." She said. "Said he couldn't believe you're selling the house."

Axel made no noise.

"I came here to ask you personally." She looked at him fully now, her eyes unwavering. "Because I find it too convenient that you're selling her house right after you got out of jail."

"Oh, right." Axel nodded. It was understandable why she'd think it was fishy.

"Tell me, Axe." She said. "You're not just doing it for the money, were you? You didn't… her death… it's not related to selling the house, is it?"

He hadn't wanted it to come down to this. He didn't want to have to recount what happened, dig up the memory that he worked so hard to bury when he was in prison, relive the horror of the incident and least of all, taint her innocence with his flaw.

He raked his fingers across his short stubby gold-fried red hair, feeling like raking the skin off the back of his head. "Do you really want to know why?"

She looked at his distressed figure. "…Yes."

"_Really_ really? There's no going back once I told you." He warned.

"Yes." She said.

* * *

_It was a normal afternoon. He was coming back home from soccer practice and was excited about his date with Riku, but before he could reach his house he saw someone leaving it. Riku. His silver hair swerved in the air. He had a look of anger and disgust on his face. When he saw Axel at the end of the street he almost ran to approach the redheaded boy._

"_Axel, I can't believe it!" He said. "Your…"_

"_What?" He asked, a look of complete innocence on his face._

"_Come here, I have a couple of questions for you." Riku dragged him over to a tree. "Your mom… she said…"_

_Axel's eyes widened in complete shock._

"_It's not true, is it?" Riku asked him, hope and confidence clear on his face. He only had to say 'no'; only a small lie, and everything could've been kept just the way it was. But Riku's bright eyes shone with earnest expectation—with such __**trust**__. He couldn't lie to Riku; couldn't betray that trust. But he couldn't answer either. He remained silent._

"_Axel…?"_

_He watched as that beautiful face slowly turned from looking confident to uncertain, and finally to sad and disgusted. That was the last he ever saw of Riku.

* * *

_

"Why didn't you tell me… all these years?" His sister asked him.

"Because I was scared…" He started, but couldn't finish.

"Of what?" She asked. He couldn't answer. He was ashamed of the answer. It dawned on her. "That I wouldn't believe you?"

Silently he nodded. She spurted out an angry splutter, "Am I so untrustworthy to you?"

"No, Kairi—! I…" They looked at each other, and saw how much hurt there was in each other's eyes, all the vulnerability and shame. Tears welled up in her eyes and she couldn't choke out her next words.

He knelt down in front of her and they found their way around each other. She was trembling from tears. It was getting hard for him to hold his own tears back as well.

"I'm sorry, Axe…" She repeated over and over again. "All these years I thought you were the bad guy… I'm sorry…"

* * *

When she prepared to return home, she had promised Axel that she'll try to convince Pop. He thanked her, even though he doesn't think it'd be of much help, given that Pop had all seven years to believe Axel's side of the story.

"I'll try to calm him down, at least." She said. "Stop him from suing you uselessly. It's the least I can do." She looked at her brother. Today's revelation had led her to see him in a new light—a victim long labeled unfairly as criminal.

"Thanks." He said with a soft smile. "Drive home safely."

"I will." She said, and with thanks to Demyx and his wife, walked off to her car.

"Well, isn't that something." Demyx's wife said.

"Yeah." Axel chuckled a somehow lonely grin. "I'm gonna head out." He waved his cigarette pack in front of them. Demyx quitted smoking when he knew he was becoming a father, so Axel naturally knew what not to do in the house.

"Sure." Demyx nodded, "Hey, man, you can take the car out if you wanna restock some supplies."

"Oh. Thanks." Axel said. "You guys need anything?"

"Some white bread would be nice." Demyx's wife said over her shoulder. Axel nodded and went to take the car out.

* * *

It also felt like a privilege to sit on the curb next to Safeway, smoking slowly away on his cancer stick. How long had he not been given the freedom to do this?

"Sir, no smoking within twenty-five feet of—ah." Someone said.

Axel turned. Then he turned back around, not even bothering to acknowledge the person's existence.

"What are you doing here?" It was Roxas' turn to ask. Axel knew he worked here, and yet he still came here. "Aren't you scared of me following you?"

"No, I ain't scared of you." Axel said, smirking to no one in particular. "I just think you're annoying."

"If that's the case, what'd you come here for?"

"I'm in a good mood today, so I don't mind you." Axel's smirk grew wider.

In a good mood? Roxas let go of the shopping cart he was going to organize and sat down next to Axel.

"What happened?"

"Nosey." Axel bluntly called.

Roxas pouted. "Fine! Don't tell me!"

Axel laughed.

"You're weird."

"Look who's talking." Roxas retorted.

"Alright, alright." Axel raised his hands in defeat. "I'll tell you a story, if you want to know that badly."

"Really?" Roxas was all ears. Axel looked at the boy's inquisitive face and laughed again. Roxas scrunched his face up in the puffs of secondhand smoke and attempted to shake them away with his hands.

"You really _are_ weird." Axel shook his head, and lit a second cigarette. "There was a boy. He was a Mommy's boy, completely spoiled rotten by his momma. Some kids at school found out about that, and they started making fun of him.

"One day, they got this boy cornered, and they started beating him up. Good for him, you know? He deserved to be beat up; who the fuck at the age of fifteen still stick around to their moms?"

"How can that be good? Whatever he is, they have no reason to—"

"You wanna hear the story or not?" Axel eyed Roxas with thin contemptuous eyes. Roxas shut up and listened. "So they beat up the kid, and just when they were having fun, this other dude came up.

"He was a tall guy. Six-foot tall already at the age of fifteen. Like a monster." Axel laughed lightly and shook his head. "His name was Riku. Riku came up to these bullies, and confronted them. He said, 'What are you guys doing? You can't beat someone up!' And all the kids were like, 'We don't like Momma's boys!' But it didn't matter if they didn't like Momma's boy, because Riku was on his side and Riku was big and scary. So the kids decided to just leave them alone.

"The little Momma's boy was real grateful to Riku, you know? Saved his life. And Riku was all gentleman-like, said it was no problem. But Riku couldn't understand why the bullies would poke fun at Momma's boy when there are so many other targets. Momma's boy said he didn't know, and poked fun at the bullies that they were losers. And from that, a great connection formed.

"It was the best thing in the boy's life. The sad pathetic little fucker didn't have a friend until then. But problem is, Riku was not only his first friend. Turns out, Riku was also his first crush." Axel paused to finish his cigarette, and noted Roxas' completely concentrated face. "So after a while, after he got all his confusions figured out and shit, Momma's boy decided to confess to Riku. And what's more, Riku said he liked him too. It was like dream come true for Momma's boy." He sighed, and saw that the concentrated look was still on Roxas' face. "…The end."

"What? No!" Roxas said, his hands involuntarily flinging to grab Axel's arms. "There's more to it than that, isn't there? What happened to them after that? Where's Riku now?"

"Nothing! They live together happily ever after!" Axel laughed.

"Liar." Roxas said. "You're the Momma's boy, aren't you?"

Axel said nothing. He couldn't understand how Roxas figured it out. "…Yeah."

"And if you went to jail, it's not happily ever after." Roxas said. "What happened between you guys?"

"Nothing, we broke up." Axel shrugged. "Our personalities didn't match."

Somehow Roxas found it hard to believe that. In fact, it was hard to believe Axel in general—not because he was an ex-convict, but because he was so careful with everything he said, like you could tell he chose every single word beforehand.

"So… how does this relate to you being in a good mood?" Roxas asked.

"It doesn't." Axel answered. "I told it to you _because_ I'm in a good mood and because you wanted to know so badly."

"But I asked you for today's story!" Roxas complained.

"Don't be so greedy." Axel said. "I'll tell you the other story next time." Only after he said that did Axel want to bite his tongue.

"Oh, so I can come around again for more stories?" Roxas caught it nevertheless.

"Damn it." Axel grumbled under his breath. Hiding embarrassment, he plunged his hand into Roxas' hair and messed it up mercilessly. "Go back to work, kid."

Never having sat down at the curb before, Roxas' line of vision is something he'd never seen before. The sound of crushed gravel stones came each time Axel's shoe heels kneaded into the asphalt. Roxas' hands were still on his head where Axel had ruffled his hair. Do cold-blooded murderers, as all the Missus in his neighborhood had so called Axel, normally go around ruffling some kid's hair? If he were Sora, he'd probably be paranoid that maybe Axel is also a pedophile, but there was nothing in their exchange just now—just the simple friendly attitude an older person holds to a younger person. Whatever everyone else had said, Roxas just couldn't see a murderer in that redheaded man—and his jail sentence supports that theory.

* * *

_At some point he was beginning to hate himself. He'd feel disgusted with himself and sometimes couldn't even face her. He'd make up a lie about the soccer practice being extended or something. Whatever it took._

"_Something on your mind?" His best friend, Demyx, introduced to him by Riku, asked. Demyx was always good at noticing the tiny details that told the difference._

"_Not really…" He shook his head; the sun was bright and right in his eyes._

"_Come on, Axel." Demyx sighed. "You can tell me. I'm good at keeping secrets."_

"_Yeah, every big-mouth tends to say that." Axel chuckled._

_Demyx rolled his eyes. "Look, have I ever told you any of Riku's secrets that you so direly wanted to know about?"_

_Axel felt his cheeks heat up a little. It must be the sun._

"_This is about Riku, isn't it?" Demyx asked, and smiled when he didn't get an answer from the redhead. "You like him, don't you?"_

"_Actually, it's a little more than just that…" Axel was looking down, his fingers playing with his shoelaces. "We… We're going out."_

"_What do you mean?" Demyx had a bit of surprise on his face. "Like, 'dating' going-out?"_

_Axel nodded._

"_Whoa." Demyx blinked. "Now that's something I didn't know about."_

_Axel's face was ever redder._

"_So what's the problem?" Demyx asked. "Aren't you happy he feels the same way for you?"_

"_Of course I'm happy." Axel said._

"_But?"_

_Axel sat up straight, his posture clearly indicating that he was about to say something serious and secretive._

"_But…" Axel began, then felt the need to make sure. "Wait, promise me this will only go with you to the grave."_

"_That serious?" Demyx grinned, almost laughing. But Axel wasn't, not for a single bit. He was dead serious. "Okay. I promise whatever you tell me in the next moment I will only bring with me to the grave."_

_Axel took a deep breath, and opened his mouth.

* * *

_

"Took you a while to get some white bread." Demyx had his eyebrows raised at Axel, one hand holding a cup of coffee in mid air. His wife was in the kitchen preparing dinner.

"I saw that Roxas kid again." Axel replied. "At Safeway."

"That kid?" Demyx frowned. "I thought you hated him."

"Naw, he ain't that bad." Axel chuckled. He checked through his mail; nothing from his father's lawyer, yet. "You said yourself he had some balls, remember?"

"I don't know, man." Demyx shrugged, putting down his coffee. "I wouldn't go near that kid too much."

Axel looked up.

"Why?"

"Smells like jailbait." His friend shrugged once again. "How old is he anyway?"

"I don't know." Axel shrugged. Now that Demyx mentioned it—he hadn't asked the kid for his age yet.

"Well, even if he was of age I still wouldn't go near him." Demyx shook his head. "I think he's more trouble than it's worth."

Axel frowned. This conversation was putting more hypotheses into his mind than he'd like. Up until that point he had never thought of that kid in those terms, and he had no intention to, nor was he interested in finding out what the kid was worth.

* * *

A/N: It's getting there... slowly.


	4. Chapter 4

**Monster that I am**

Chapter 4

Warning: Extreme language below and disturbing images. Read at your own risk.

Summary: Axel said, "Look, kid. It was nice knowing you, but I'm afraid your 'Getting-to-Know-Your-Neighborhood-Killer' thing has to stop."

* * *

His mother was sitting in front of the television when Roxas got home. Eyeing the moving pictures idly, he took off his shoes and headed for his room.

"Roxas." His mother stood up from the couch. "Come here. We need to have a talk."

The last sentence smelled a lot like a lecture. He inched over to the couch and sat down.

"Roxas, I heard…" His mother started, seeming to be trying to find the right words. "From Mrs. Marren, that you've been seeing that… that Axel person."

"What do you mean, 'see'? Mom, I'm not—"

"Let me finish." His mother interrupted. "Roxas, maybe you don't know this because nobody in the neighborhood told you including your father and I, but he's a very dangerous person… I don't want you being near him too much."

"He's not a dangerous person." Roxas grumbled unsatisfactorily. "You guys all have a misconception about him."

"How can you say that?" She frowned. "Mrs. Taudy told me herself."

"What did she tell you?"

"She said everyone thought he was a good boy too, at first." She said. "He was polite, kind to his parents, and nice to everyone. Nobody was willing to believe that he could've done something so horrible to his own mother. Nobody _could_. He just didn't seem like a cold-blooded person. But they were all wrong. He had deceived them all. He admitted to it himself, in front of Mrs. Caloure. It was impossible to think that someone they had trusted all along was a liar from the inside to the outside, but it was true. Roxas, you can't just trust someone out of what they seem to be."

"But he's not a cold-blooded killer." Roxas argued. "If he was convicted of murder he would've at least been in prison for twenty-five years."

"Still, is that the kind of person you find appropriate to hang around with?" His mother insisted. "An ex-convict who'd been in prison for five years? Is this how you repay us for your upbringing? Is this how you repay Jesus for his love for you?"

"What… What does this have to do with me?" Roxas shook his head, trying to figure out what stance he was on.

"He's a sinner, Rox." His mother said. "God condemns sinners. He will go to Hell. Do you think God will be happy seeing you defending a sinner? He'll only bring you down with him. I don't want that to happen to you. I don't want you to go to Hell."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Roxas sighed in disbelief. He knew very well what she was talking about. He just didn't want to acknowledge it.

"Whatever it is," She begins, "I want you to stop seeing him."

* * *

_In their land, there were rules. Not official rules, but social ones. Most newbies—ones who just got in—would often get it, or have to do it. He was no exception. It wasn't that any of his attributes commanded their attention, though he did have striking features for a man and a well-toned body. It was just simply that, he's the new guy, and they want to._

_The first night, he lied on the stone cold bed, unable to go to sleep. When he thinks back now, he often wondered how they managed to get near his cell without being noticed by the guards. They picked the lock. He sat up in his bed. His cellmate was so asleep he didn't even wake up from the commotion, but Axel got up onto his feet._

"_What the hell?" He asked. One of the two unknown men grabbed his wrists; the other grabbed the hem of his pants. First it was fear that seized his nerves, then it was adrenaline._

_If he was to get locked up here, he might as well learn how to survive in here._

_After Riku left him, he'd learned a few things. One was that he was alone now and he had to be the one to protect himself. Two was he needed to work to make up for the living expenses. Three was how to break someone's jaw._

_Two punches, one palm crush, one knee-up and two kicks landed him six months of probationary community service work. Look on the bright side; at least no one dared to touch him for quite a while since.

* * *

_

A sizzling sound resonated throughout the warehouse as the welding torch touched where the old and new bumpers met and melted the metal together. Inside the helmet one could see nothing but a green spark, shining bright against the surrounding darkness. Axel's eyebrows furrowed in his concentration.

"You still workin'?" One of his colleagues tapped him on the shoulder. He took off his helmet and turned around. "Boss's gone home already. I'm going too, you staying?"

"Yeah." Axel said, and checked his watch. Six-O-five; the sky has gone dark. "I'll finish up this baby first." He patted on the Corvette he was working on.

"I don't know what you working so hard for. Ain't like we gettin' extra pay." His colleague shrugged as he walked backwards towards the exit. He tossed Axel a chain of keys. "Lock up the doors when you leave, no?"

"Sure." Axel nodded and stuffed the keys into his pocket. Squatting back to the bumper, he continued working until it was six-thirty.

The sky couldn't make up its mind to be completely black or border on a navy hue. After he'd locked up the warehouse, he left the key with the gas station keeper and headed for home. Most cars were headed off from highways and into their respective residential areas. Someone slid past him on a skateboard, carrying two loads on his shoulders and still managing to keep his balance.

Axel pulled out a stick of cigarette. The skateboarder stopped, grabbed his skateboard off the ground, and got onto the curb. Where was his lighter? He patted around his pant pockets, and slid a hand into the one with the little silver Zippo in it. The skateboarder was right in front of him and grabbed his cig from his lips. Before Axel could react the kid threw the stick into the passing traffic on his left.

"What the fuck…?" Axel pulled his eyes off the poor thing that got thrown into the abyss of cars and looked at the person in front of him. "The fuck was that for?"

"You'll live." Roxas said. He had his hood over his head.

"That's not for you to decide." Axel grumbled, and walked alongside the kid. "What you doing out here at this hour?"

"Soccer practice." Roxas replied, and patted the big duffel bag across his torso.

"You play soccer?" Axel looked at the blond, who looked back at him with a face of 'why the hell would I lie to you?'

"What?" Roxas said.

"Nothing." Axel shrugged, "I played too when I was in high school."

"Huh." Roxas responded.

"That's it?" Axel asked, smirking.

"Wha?" Roxas asked again.

"Thought you'd be all like, 'oh let's play together', blah blah blah." Axel mocked.

"Well, do you want to?" Roxas stopped walking. Axel stopped too then, and looked back at the blond. Roxas' expression was so… so… he didn't even know how to describe it. Floodlights from the sports field next to them were thrown onto his face. How'd they end up being right next to a sports field?

* * *

He really smelled like sweat now. A whole day of working at the shop and now a round of long-neglected soccer; he was in desperate need of a shower. Leaning back lazily on the bench, he stared up into the black sky. The floodlights took out any stars he could've seen.

"My mom said I should stop hanging out with you." Roxas, seated next to him, said. They were both heaving from the excess workout.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." Roxas continued. "She said you're a sinner, and that you're going to Hell."

Axel wanted to laugh, but he knew this was no laughing matter for the boy.

"She's right." Axel said amidst heaving breaths. Roxas turned to him in surprise.

"I don't believe that."

"Believe it or not, kid—it's true." Axel shrugged.

"Why do you keep saying that? I don't believe you have the capability to kill someone." Roxas sat up straight, facing Axel. "What really happened five years ago?"

"What do _you_ know about me?" Axel eyed him. Roxas said nothing, a frown deeply etched on his face. Axel looked back up at the sky. "Tell me, how old are you?"

"Seventeen; why?"

Fuck.

"Because you can't hang around me anymore." Axel got up from the bench and said.

"Wait." Roxas got up as well, "How old are _you_ then?"

"Twenty-four." Axel said. "Look, kid. It was nice knowing you, but I'm afraid your 'Getting-to-Know-Your-Neighborhood-Killer' thing has to stop."

"If you admit to being a killer," Roxas continued, "Then why did you say it was a shame that I believed Sora back then?"

Axel sighed, hands on his hips, with nothing to say.

"Look at me, Axel." Roxas said. The redhead refused to move around. Roxas stepped up to Axel's front. "I dare you to look me in the eyes and tell me you're a murderer."

Axel looked at Roxas' eyes, but didn't say a word.

"See? I knew you—"

"This is the last time I'm talking to you." Axel said. "You're too young to know anything. And you don't need to. You'll understand when you grow to be a bit older. There are some things that you can never tell."

He grabbed his T-shirt and headed for the exit of the field. Roxas stood there, either stupefied with what Axel said or too confused to react.

* * *

_The pain on his father's face was an expression he'd never forget. It was one of the only reasons he ever regretted telling the truth. But he had to get his revenge. Riku was the one only good thing that happened to his sad and pathetic little life, and she took that away from him too. That was the final straw. She'd forced him into being the monster that he is. She deserves it._

"_Go back to your room, Axel." His father's voice shivered. A little disappointed to hear that he couldn't witness her demise, the redhead returned to his room with a satisfied smirk on his face._

_Behind the doors he could hear her scream, wail, sob and all sorts of things. She was always so good at that dramatic shit. "Oh I'm so sorry I didn't mean to do it blah blah blah." It was how she persuaded him in the first place. Maybe someone like his father would believe that shit. But over two years' of experience, he knows better. For all that she was, she was just one big fucking liar._

_The whole time she was probably begging for forgiveness, he could hear no sound from his father's side. His father was always calm, always a steady and quiet man. Sometimes he couldn't figure out why exactly she chose him (or maybe it was the other way around, why he settled for a slut like her?). Until then, he had rarely ever seen his father angry; even at the worst of times, his father would simply remain silent, as if in deep thought, though the frown that was usually on his face would grow visibly deeper._

_Eventually she stopped. The house was dead silent. Axel wondered, for a moment, what his sister was doing in her room across the hall. Was she listening as well? He hopes at least she wasn't listening when he was down there. Speaking of the devil, she knocked on his door._

"_Axe, did you hear that?" She shuffled into his room. He was on his bed, leaning against a wall, knees hugged to his chest._

"_Yeah." He shrugged. "I was there when it started."_

"_What… What are they arguing about?" She asked timidly._

"_It's complicated, Kairi." He said, dismissing the topic. She didn't budge an inch from where she was standing. He looked at her. She had the same resolution in her eyes that their father usually had. It intimidated him, made him feel as if he'd slip the whole truth out. "Don't be mad at me if I told you."_

_Kairi nodded._

"_Mom was cheating on Pop." He said, his eyes looking straight forward, dead center. "With a bunch of guys. I found out about it and told Pop." He left out the most poisonous part that he was too ashamed to talk about; never, he would never ever tell her. No way. He couldn't ruin her that way._

_Kairi had left his room and gone downstairs. He scrambled up from his bed, wanting to follow and stop her, but after a few 'thud, thud, thud's she was already back up the stairs again. He couldn't even comprehend what was going on. She ran to him and started pounding her small fists onto him, scratching him with her nails wherever she could._

"_Kairi, what the hell!" He raised his arms in defense. When he could pull apart his arms to see again, his vision was filled with nothing but Kairi's tearful face._

"_What did you do to them?" She screamed at him. He still couldn't comprehend what was going on._

"_Kairi!" He heard his father call. Soon his father's image was coming up behind his sister's shoulder. Then he understood what Kairi was so mad for._

_Countless streaks of tears were laden on his father's face. His father, that man who had never cried in front of his children, who had never shown anger, was weeping._

_What had he done?

* * *

_

"So you told him off?" Demyx said with a smile as he grabbed a toast off the plate in front of him.

"Yeah. He's only a kid; he's gotta have something better to do than hang around an ex-con everyday." Axel said, pouring himself some coffee. In his other hand was a catalog of used car on sale.

"Well I'm sure he does—"

"Hey, I wanna start looking at these cars next week." Axel browsed the catalog, "Can't have you driving me all the time."

"What about you, though?"

"What about me?"

"Would you be fine on your own?"

"I was on my own for five years in a hazardous place ridden with vicious humans, in case you forgot." Axel said, chuckling with puzzlement.

"Yeah, well… there's a different kind of danger when you're out here." Demyx shrugged. "But, whatever man, if you say so."

Axel looked up from the pictures of intact old cars to his friend, halfheartedly considering the statement that Demyx so dismissed himself. It wasn't that he hadn't considered suicide himself; only two weeks ago did he wonder if committing so would've changed history. But he knew all was too late now.

* * *

A/N: At this point, I'd like to dedicate this story to a relative of mine who passed away last year. His lungs were failing him, and unfortunately despite being granted a transplant, he had decided to take his life because it had taken so much out of him. Only one year ago, one year, the same time of the year, I was in Hong Kong, physically with him, and we were chatting, just normally, and he was talking about how big of a girl I've grown into, and making us laugh with his jokes, and our families were catching up with each other as we barbecued. I could not imagine him to be one who would commit suicide, but this is life, and that was his choice. I feel bad that I don't have something better to dedicate to his memory, but I wish him peace where he lays at rest.


	5. Chapter 5

**Monster that I am**

Chapter 5

Warning: Extreme language below and disturbing images. Read at your own risk.

Summary: Axel said, "Look, kid. It was nice knowing you, but I'm afraid your 'Getting-to-Know-Your-Neighborhood-Killer' thing has to stop."

* * *

With the help of Demyx, Axel had managed to pick up a used Mustang. Axel had hunted around for this car for almost all of the two months he stayed at Demyx's. It was about nine years-old but as long as it could still run decently Axel couldn't complain. He'd done the math again and soon he'd be able to get his own apartment. Maybe this was what he'd wanted all along—a simple, quiet life without hassle. Just wake up, eat, go to work, come home, eat, sleep, and start all over again the next day. Only after having been in prison could he appreciate the peace of an ordinary life.

He'd coordinated with his lawyer so that on the day he picks up the car, his old house would be over and done with to some small-scale house developer.

"You the owner of this house?" A man that somewhat resembled Sylvester Stallone, with the same smugness on his face, same body build, emerged from the backyard and approached Axel with a hand extended. Axel took the hand and nodded.

"That's me."

"Your man here told me the story." The man said, indicating Axel's lawyer. "Five years without use?"

"That's right." Axel nodded.

"Good." The man said. "All is according to plan."

"If you would please follow me to the living room, we can sign the contract there." Axel's lawyer said.

"Oh, don't bother." The man waved his hand. "Just give it here." He opened a palm at the lawyer for the document. The lawyer handed the contract and pen with raised eyebrows.

"You sure you wanna do this?" The man placed the contract against Axel's lawyer's car and asked Axel instead of the other way around. "I'm gonna tear that bitch down, and you ain't getting a cent more than what I listed on here."

Axel would be surprised if he could even get a cent for this damn place. He shrugged and said, "Go ahead."

The man signed the contract.

"Thank you, Mr. Wayne." The lawyer said; they exchanged handshakes. After a bit of chatting, Mr. Wayne took off.

"The payment should be made at the end of this month." Axel's lawyer said to him, handing over some documents. "Check your account again then. Call me if you get any problems."

"Yeah." Axel nodded, "Oh, and uh… did my father give you any trouble?"

"No, why? Did you see him?"

"Well, yeah. He came to me saying that he'd sue me for selling the house without his permission."

"Oh." His lawyer said. "Don't worry about that; it's an empty threat. We saw him sign the house away seven years ago, remember?"

"That's what I thought." Axel nodded. "You still have the papers and stuff, right?"

"Of course." His lawyer said. "Lawyers don't lose that kind of documentation."

Axel patted his lawyer on the shoulder with an expression reading 'I knew I could trust you,' and they said their goodbyes. Somehow he could feel as if everyone in every house was watching him, though no one was on the street. They must've gone inside when they saw Mr. Wayne surveying the house, knowing that Axel could potentially appear. Disregarding this, he picked out a cigarette from his pack and opted to light it.

* * *

He and Demyx stopped at IHOP first for lunch. Their waitress was a young woman, hugely pregnant, with a Texan accent. Axel watched as she expertly made her way around the customers pouring in. There were an unusually high number of teenagers in the diner, probably coming out of school for lunchtime. Then he saw Roxas making his way into the place with his brunet friend.

It must be karma. He was damn sure that someone up there thinks it's fun playing around with people like that. Their eyes met for a moment, but contrary to Axel's expectant fear, Roxas didn't approach him. In fact, the blond seemed to be unpleasant about finding himself bumping into Axel yet again. Axel couldn't help but notice the frown that came across his face.

"_Look at me, Axel. I dare you to look me in the eyes and tell me you're a murderer."_

Axel's eyebrows began to frown when he found himself dragging the kid into his thoughts. Just disregard him, he told himself.

"_What really happened five years ago?"_

"Hey guys, what can I get you today?"

"_You've got to promise me, Axel." She sobbed. "Don't tell Papa. This is our secret, okay? Only between you and me. You've got to make me that promise." Both her hands wrapped around the back of his head softly. "I'll give you whatever you need, okay? Tell me what you need. Is this what you want me to do?"_

"_Mom, what are you… Don't…"_

"Axel…?"

"_Relax, Axel." She said, "It's okay."_

"We'll just have two of the lunch special." Demyx smiled at the waitress, folding the menus together. "Axel, Axel! Are you okay?"

Axel looked up sharply at Demyx, snapped out of his trance. He grabbed his water and chugged down a large gulp. The pain—that familiar, clenching pain, growing larger each year, not smaller—swells and makes his chest ache.

"What is it?"

"I'm fine, I'm fine." Axel closed his eyes, trying to turn the image away. He'd been dealing with this for five years; why couldn't he control it now?

* * *

They made the lunch brief and short. Axel idly took notice of Roxas' absence in the diner, only to find him standing outside.

"And what do you want?" Demyx eyed the blond boy. "I thought you guys weren't on speaking terms."

"We're not." Roxas said. "I'm not here to question him. I just thought it was about time I come get that story he owes me."

Demyx turned to his friend. Slightly annoyed, Axel found that he had no way to refute the promise he made.

"Get in the car." Axel said and unlocked the car with two clicks of the key. Roxas climbed in.

"Dude, you sure this is okay?" Demyx asked with concern.

"What is?"

"I get a feeling that if his mom finds out about this, she won't let us off easy."

"I'm not driving him anywhere. We'll just talk in the car."

"Still, you know how lawyers can twist the story to you abducting the kid."

Axel frowned. Demyx was right. And if among the three of them there was one person who knew best how people could twist the law to get what they want, it'd be Axel. He poked his head into the car.

"Kid, get back out." He said. "I can't do this. Your mom's gonna sue me."

"Watch if she does." Roxas said, unshaken by the possibility. "I'm gonna leave her."

"We can't trust you." Demyx said. "You're just a kid. You can't do shit."

"You can keep on arguing and I can sit here all day," Roxas eyed Axel. "Or you guys can get going and we'll make it quick."

"Well, fuck." Demyx shook his head. "Kid's not leaving you."

"You just get going," Axel said, unwilling to acknowledge the one mistake he made with this kid. "I can handle him."

"Don't worry." Roxas said as the Axel climbed into the front of the car. "You guys underestimate what a seventeen-year-old can do."

Demyx left the duo and climbed into his own car. He gave Axel a worried wave and headed for home.

"You bought this car?" Roxas said as he squirmed around in the leather seat, making himself comfortable.

"I thought you were only here for the story?"

"…Okay, fine." Roxas looked in front of him. "Shoot."

"My sister came over earlier that day, and we cleared up some misunderstandings. That's why I was in a good mood."

"Uh-huh."

"That's it."

"That's it?"

"Yup." Axel said, trying hard not to laugh at the disbelieving face of disappointment on Roxas. "You asked for that day's story, and that was it. Now go home."

"That doesn't count as a story." Roxas said. "It was only two lines!"

"My God you're persistent."

"Did you just realize that?"

"No."

"Exactly." Roxas said. "I want details. What misunderstandings did you clear up?"

"It was just… she thought it was fishy that I decided to sell the house right after I got out of jail." Axel said. "So she wanted to make sure I wasn't some money-grabbing bastard son who didn't give a shit about how his family felt."

"And what did you tell her?"

"I told her the truth." Axel touched the steering wheel. "Of how our Ma really died."

_He'd wake up in his cell, on the stone cold bed, all sweated and rigid. He'd seen it again._

Roxas looked intently at the redhead. "How did she die?"

_Her cold and stiff body, the hanging feet that wavers in front of the setting sun, through the window._

"She hung herself." The sentence felt like a finalization. Case closed. Roxas felt even more confused.

"Then how'd you end up…?"

"Because I'm the reason why she killed herself, how much more are you gonna ask?" Axel punched the wheel and looked away from Roxas. "You've had your story, now get out!"

"Axel…" Roxas could see the tension in every ounce of Axel's being. It seems that Axel was right; he was too young to understand the depth of what Axel has been through.

"Please."

It was this word that slipped out of Axel's lips that made tears rush to Roxas' eyes. Axel was right about everything. He was the kid who cries. He was the kid who didn't know shit. He was the kid who couldn't do anything for Axel except cry his tears for him. He'd always thought he was strong but he was obviously wrong.

Axel hadn't expected to see Roxas completely torn up, but when he heard a small hiccup and turned around he found the boy almost drowning in his own tears. Dealing with crying babies was one thing; dealing with crying young adults was another.

"Why are you crying—"

"Because!" Roxas said, his hands futilely wiping away the dropping tears. "It's not even your fault! Because I can't imagine what you've been through; because it's not fair!"

Axel let out a breath of exasperation. It was a problem that the kid wouldn't stop bothering him, but it was an even bigger problem that he made the kid cry for him. Running his hand through his hair, Axel found that the only thing he could do was grab and bring Roxas' head into his shoulder. He really was bad with dealing with crying people.

Axel's hand felt big and warm on top of his head. The moment Axel let him into his shoulder Roxas lost all self-control and squeezed his arms around the redhead as if Axel was his life's anchor. Axel was amazed at how much the kid could cry when he wanted to, and somehow felt bad for making it come down to this.

* * *

_He hadn't noticed the hatred for her that had been building up inside himself, and when they had divorced and she had grown retreated and weak, the hatred spilled out like floodwater crushing down a dam. He became the demon that emerged out of this black floodwater. Now there was no stopping him. He shoved back to her what she relentlessly asked from him for years, shoved more than she was capable of taking in. But even as it got past her breaking point, she had too much pride in herself to admit that what she made go around had come back at her. And so the demon grew haughtier and her insides withered away as her outside shell grew harder and more detached._

_He saw it coming from a mile away; it was so obvious. It was exactly what he wanted, and it was exactly what he didn't want. He just kept trying her, seeing just how far he could push each time, waiting for it to happen. Never for once did he think he could get away with it; he just sort of accepted that he had to be the one to do it. But he had often asked, why him?

* * *

_A/N: The pregnant waitress is an actual person my family encountered in a diner one day on one of the many road trips we took (I believe it was the one driving up to Vancouver, BC, but my memory fails me). It fascinates me that she was still working despite being so pregnant. I suppose motherhood and life were the central figures behind her that I got inspiration from, and strangely this fic is closely tied to those two concepts.


	6. Chapter 6

**Monster that I am**

Chapter 6

Warning: Extreme language below and disturbing images. Read at your own risk.

Summary: Axel said, "Look, kid. It was nice knowing you, but I'm afraid your 'Getting-to-Know-Your-Neighborhood-Killer' thing has to stop."

Author's note: If you don't believe me that quarter-Japanese people can totally look Caucasian, image-google "Chad Michael Murray", then google "Chad Michael Murray Japanese".

* * *

The screeching sound that comes from his colleague's metal saw, the one that most people find irritating, Axel found it soothing. It comes down at regular intervals, not missing a single beat. It helped him concentrate on the work he was doing. He would always be able to work quickly then, his muscles rippling through his wife-beater.

Roxas watched from afar, sitting on the cement paved bush block. One of Axel's colleagues had come to ask him what he was here for, and had gone back into the workshop with message of Roxas' arrival.

"The same kid's here for you. Is he your little bro?"

Axel looked up at his senior and put down the tool in his hand, removing his dirty gloves. "Thanks, man. And no, he's… he's just a kid. Um, can I also take my lunch break by the way?"

"Yeah sure. What you working on?"

"This one's getting suspension realignment, and that one over there needs oil change." Axel retied his boots and said. He then headed out into the sun. Immediately Roxas grew tense and stood up. He'd been sort of acting weird since that time they were in the car.

"Here." Axel pulled out Roxas' Blackberry from his pocket. "Don't lose it again."

"I won't." Roxas mumbled unhappily. He'd left it in Axel's car and only discovered so after he got home. He had to call his own phone and it was so embarrassing talking to the redhead after having practically bawled in front of him.

"You had lunch yet?"

"What?" Roxas looked up and asked with surprise. "Uh, no." He came here straight after lunch started.

"It's your lucky day today." Axel said. "Out with it, where do you wanna eat at?"

"Uh… I don't…"

"Oh, you probably planned to eat with your friends, huh?" Axel put a hand on Roxas' head and ruffled his hair. "Never mind."

"Wait, it's ok." Roxas followed after Axel. "Let's eat together."

* * *

They chose a local Japanese restaurant. When Axel placed his order, Roxas wrinkled his nose at the choice of dishes.

"You like California Rolls?"

"What? You don't like sushi?"

"No, I love sushi." Roxas said. "But California Roll is not real sushi."

"What do you mean it's not real sushi?"

"It's so Americanized. Nobody in Japan actually eats California Rolls."

"How would you know?"

"Because I'm a quarter Japanese." Roxas split his chopsticks and poked at the miso soup before him.

"Huh. You sure don't look like it." Axel said.

"Screw you." Roxas said. "I go back every year."

Axel shifted in his seat. "Well, sorry my horizon stops short at Texas." His family stopped traveling when his mother started having affairs. They never had the money anyway.

And now he couldn't. Not only did he not have the money for it, it'd probably be impossible to find any country that's willing to grant him entry. Once a convict, always a convict. That's how it works in this world. Everyone and everything does not hesitate to show you how irreversible life is.

Roxas eyed Axel. For some reason he felt as if he could tell what Axel was thinking. Like he was finally able to predict, albeit just a little bit, of the redhead's thought process.

"Have you ever heard of the story about Pandora's Box?" He asked.

"No."

"In ancient Greece, back when Zeus was still ruling the world, he ordered one of his fellow gods to make the first woman on earth. Her name was Pandora."

"I thought the first woman on earth was Eve." Axel raised an eyebrow.

"That's in the Bible." Roxas said, annoyed at the interruption. "I'm talking about Greek Mythology."

"Oh. Okay."

"Pandora was given a box. This box contained all of the evils in the world, and Zeus warned her specifically that she should never open this box. But, like all the rest of us, when she gets told not to do something, she becomes curious about it, as if she was tempted by the Devil himself. Eventually she couldn't resist the temptation and opened the box. Once she opened the box, all the evils escaped into the world, shaking the grounds. She got scared, and closed the box back up quickly, but she was too late. When she'd turned around, evil was running rampant in the world, never to be erased ever again."

_He became the demon that emerged out of this black floodwater. Now there was no stopping him. Once a convict, always a convict._

"Just like me." Axel said, with a bitter smile.

"But there's more to it." Roxas said. "When Pandora closed the box again, by an ironic play of chance, Hope was contained inside."

"Ha, how unfortunate." Axel shook his head. "Humanity's doomed for good."

"But it's not." Roxas said. "It's all so very simple."

"What do you mean?"

"Just open the box again." Roxas said, like it was a simple matter of fact. "Many people think that the story about Pandora is a pessimistic statement for the hopelessness of humanity, of all of us. They don't realize that all they had to do was open up and let it out."

Axel didn't know what to say. He didn't know whether to consider Roxas a complete idiot, or someone perhaps with more willpower (or intelligence or wit, he wasn't sure which) than he could imagine, for there they were, sitting inside an average local Japanese restaurant with the food getting cold in front of them, on an average day with an average weather, and Roxas could possibly have just told him the Answer to Everything. He felt a well of emotion overcome him, but he gripped a fist and controlled himself.

"I gotta go." He said, feeling like doing nothing other than hiding his face. He slapped a bill on the table.

"Axel!"

He ignored his name and strode broadly out the restaurant, climbing into his car. "Shit." He mumbled to himself. He ran a hand over his face and then through the short tufts of red hair that had grown out on the top of his head. "Shit. Shit." He felt the floodwater coming around again, could feel the walls crumbling down. But this time, the floodwater was not black; it was clear. A clear and salty liquid, like the tears that were running down his cheeks. He could feel the emotions crushing from all four sides, the pain, guilt, anger, hatred, remorse, love, fear, disgust, pride, regret, angst, dread and countless others.

* * *

_The divorce separated him and Kairi. Her custody went with their father and his was given to their mother. She kept in touch with him afterwards, though._

"_He still loves her, though." Her voice sounded coarse through the phone; the divorce tore her up as much as it did their parents. "I could tell. He would suddenly cry sometimes, when he thought I was asleep and watched movies by himself. Or sometimes he would stand a long time before our family portrait and just weep. It's driving me crazy, Axe."_

"_Do you hate me for it?" He asked._

"_In a way I do… But I can't blame you." She said. "I probably would've told Dad too, if I was the one who found out. I just can't believe she could do this to him. How is it living with her?"_

"_So-so." He lied. He was glad Kairi never questioned why he was left with their mother. It was his father who requested the court to give Axel's custody to his ex-wife. But only the three of them needed to know this truth; Kairi should be completely left out of this.

* * *

_

Sora was in his house when he got home. His mother had a look of worry on her face, and their family lawyer was sitting next to her. All in all, bad atmosphere, bad feeling.

"Roxas, come here."

He dreaded this.

"Roxas, I'm your mother." She said. "If you're being troubled, you could tell me, you know?"

"I know." Roxas said. "But what are you talking about?"

"Why didn't you tell me you were being stalked?"

"What? I wasn't—"

"Sora told me everything." She patted the brunet's hand, and turned back to her son. "That Axel person was really bothering you."

"He wasn't! I—"

"He must have been deceiving you, then." The lawyer said. "Child abductors often first gain their victims' trust through getting into a closer relationship with them."

"He's not a child abductor—I'm not a child to begin with!"

"He's a convict, son." The lawyer ignored Roxas' protest. "He is a dangerous person. We need to keep people like him away from innocent people like you."

"You don't know shit about me." Roxas said, shocking the other three with his beautiful French. His mother started sobbing, looking at Sora and her lawyer.

"Oh…! Oh, my… What has he done to my boy? My Roxas…"

Somehow Roxas couldn't find any word other than 'disgusting' to describe this reaction of his mother's. He had never noticed she was this… fake before. It made the hair on the back of his neck stand.

"He is clearly a bad influence." The lawyer said. "Your mother has asked me to file a restraining order against him for you. From now on he shall not come within 50 feet of you or your residence or your school or it will be a violation of the law and we can have him arrested."

"You people are crazy." Roxas said in disbelief. "You don't know what you're doing."

"How can you still be defending him? He's corrupting you so much." Roxas was beginning to feel fear for himself; the three of them were ganging up on him. He needed to get out of here. "You must be not feeling well; go back to your room. I'll call your school for you."

"I'm fine—"

"Go back to your room and get some rest." His mother insisted. Roxas, indignant, silently made his way back to his room. He kicked his soccer ball irately. She could file a restraining order against Axel, but nobody's gonna point out her unreasonable house arrest? What do you call that?

* * *

They stayed away from each other for a week after that lunch. Axel found this calming period therapeutic. He really didn't know what he could've done if he saw the kid again sooner than that; actually, he still does know what he will do now, but he had some time to think everything over.

He took the last piece of wire and connected it to the ignition. That about summed up his work for the day. With a beep, he unlocked his car and tossed his jacket into the backseat.

With the money from the sale of his old house, he'd also found himself a studio apartment. Fortunately rents in Arizona weren't the worst possible in the nation. He and Demyx had rented a minivan for the move. From his workplace to Demyx's took less than five minutes.

Somebody was sitting at the front of Demyx's door, knees hugged to chest. Axel saw the familiar blond hair and frowned.

"What are you doing here?"

Roxas looked up. He brought with him his backpack and duffel bag.

"I left home." He said. "But I don't have anywhere else to go."

At this point, Axel wouldn't even bother asking the boy if he was crazy. "Don't you at least have a friend? That little brunet dude?"

"Don't even mention him." Roxas' face turned unpleasant.

"Axel, is that you?" Demyx's voice yelled from the other side of the building where the garages were. "If you're ready we can go browse around for furniture." The voice grew less like an echo as Demyx made his way to the front.

Roxas looked up at him curiously. Axel put his face into his palm.

"What the—" Demyx said upon seeing Roxas. "What you doing here?"

"Are you moving?" Roxas asked Axel.

Demyx eyed Axel, who gave him a 'Thanks a lot, buddy' look. Demyx shrugged.

* * *

"Your bed's so stiff." Roxas said as he waved his arms and legs on said bed, making an angel out of the ripples in the sheets.

"Get the fuck off of it." Axel, too busy with moving a table to kick Roxas off, grumbled. Roxas remained lying there, staring into the empty ceiling above. With a loud thud, they placed the table down to the floor.

"That was the last of it." Demyx shrugged. His wristwatch says two-fifteen. "I need to go drive my boy to my Dad's; you need anything else, man?"

Axel looked around. Everything seemed to be in place. "Nope. That's it. Thanks, dude."

"Yeah, no problem." Demyx nodded, and looked at Roxas over Axel' shoulder. "You gonna be alright dealing with him yourself?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine." Axel patted his friend on the shoulder. Demyx shrugged and headed for the door. "Oh, hey. Here." Axel tossed the copy of Demyx's house key to him. Demyx grabbed it agilely and pointed his fingers at the redhead.

"Keep in touch?"

"Sure thing."

Roxas sat up from the bed after Demyx left.

"How long have you guys known each other?" He asked. Axel walked around the table into the kitchenette to make some coffee.

"Since high school." Axel said. He turned around, leaning on the counter, and looked at the boy. "Why are you here?"

"Like I said, I left home." Roxas looked away. He obviously didn't want to talk about this.

"Why?"

"'Cause my mom's a bitch." Roxas said.

"Don't talk like that about your mother." Axel frowned. He had learned that lesson the hard way.

"Tell me something." Roxas said. "What is a soccer mom?"

Axel was confused at the meaning of this. "A white, middle-class trophy wife who drives a big-ass SUV all day long transporting her little 'precious angels' to school and after-school activities, including soccer. Anything that isn't Christian is Satanic to her, and she keeps her children from being 'corrupted' by controlling everything they watch on the TV to make sure they don't learn bad language or violence or sex. And by controlling I mean she also gives dirty looks to or screams at anyone who does any of the above in the vicinity of her and her children."

Roxas sighed, running his hand through his hair. "What would you have done if your mom was a soccer mom?"

"Don't' tell me…" Axel stopped mid-sentence. "Oh."

"There you go." Roxas shrugged. "I know you're probably thinking, 'Well at least you have a mother,' but," He sighed again. "Trust me on this one, she doesn't deserved to be sympathized with."

"What'd she do?" Axel turned around when the water was boiled. He poured steaming water into his cup.

"She's targeting you—" Roxas stopped. "Wait, you didn't know?"

"She what?" Axel turned back to the boy concernedly.

"Haven't you gotten any mail yet?"

"They're still being forwarded to the new address." Axel let go of the cup. He stood in front of the boy. "What do you mean she's targeting me?"

"Nothing, it's…" Roxas hid his face.

"Roxas."

"She… She's filed a restraining order against you…" Roxas mumbled to his feet. "…For me."

"Fuck." Axel said, running a hand over his face. "And you come to me knowing that she filed the restraining order? What the fuck are you thinking?"

"I didn't have anywhere else to go." Roxas said, looking back up at the redhead. "You're the only one I could trust."

"Why?" Axel turned at Roxas sharply. "I've always wanted to ask you. Why me? Don't you see how everyone looks at me? Haven't they told you what kind of person I am? Why do you still believe in me?"

"Because you've never hurt me." Roxas stood up and said. "Because you're capable of a gentleness that reminds me you're a human being too. Hating yourself is different from being a sinner, Axel."

That did it. Axel found himself grabbing Roxas by the chin. Roxas wrapped his arms around Axel's neck and they kissed. Every inch of Axel's skin screamed for him to stop. But he and Roxas were glued together, with feelings ever so poisonous.

"_Oh, oh my God…" Sweat has coated over his skin. "Oh, yes! Ah!"_

There were clattering noises, there was pushing.

"Roxas… Roxas! Stop!" Memories resurfacing, disorienting him.

"_Am… Am I doing it right?"_

The blond dragged them to the bed and they tripped themselves.

"_That's it, right there, Axel… Oh!"_

"I don't wanna." Roxas whispered.

"Look… fuck!" Axel swore. They had to stop. He couldn't do this. And he couldn't get into trouble anymore. Never again.

"What's wrong?" Roxas finally stopped pulling at Axel's shirt. Everything was wrong. He wasn't supposed to do this; he hadn't done it in years.

_He was scared. Somewhere in the back of his mind he thinks this is wrong; this isn't what they were supposed to do, is it?_

"_I… I want you to touch it."_

"_Touch it?"_

"You need to leave." Axel pushed Roxas off him roughly. "Just go!"

"But I don't have anywhere to go!"

"Then I'll leave." Axel grabbed his jacket and car keys and headed out the door.

"_Yes, give me your hand." She took his hand. "Touch it right there… Mommy will be happy… Ah!"_


	7. Chapter 7

**Monster that I am**

Chapter 7

Warning: Extreme language below and disturbing images. Read at your own risk.

Summary: Axel said, "Look, kid. It was nice knowing you, but I'm afraid your 'Getting-to-Know-Your-Neighborhood-Killer' thing has to stop."

* * *

Demyx opened his door after dinner to a highly distressed Axel. It was raining outside and the redhead had gotten somewhat soaked from loitering outside Demyx's place, wondering if he should go in after all. It was another one of those moments where they didn't need words to know what was on each other's minds, and Demyx spread out his arms to let his friend into a bro-hug. It felt awkward to have the much taller redhead lean on him for support, but Demyx gave Axel double back taps as Axel struggle to reorganize his emotions.

"I should've just listened to you from the start." Axel shook his head at himself. They were now seated at the dining table.

"Hey, it's alright, man." Demyx said. "At least you got yourself out before shit got really bad."

"Yeah right." Axel gulped down his coffee. "He's still at my place, don't forget. I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do."

"Can't you have the cops force him back home or something?"

"The restraining order is against _me_, Dem." Axel sighed.

"Shit." Demyx shrugged. "Then the only way is to make the kid walk out on his own."

"Yeah; how do I do that?"

"That's simple… make him hate you." Demyx said. "No offence, man, but the rest of the neighborhood already does. It can't be hard to convince him you're just the heartless jerk that they all describe you to be."

Axel leaned back on the chair, seriously considering this alternative. To dig to the bottom of it all, it was because he was always so meek when it came to the kid that eventually got him into trouble. Always finding one reason or another excuse to let Roxas have his way, he was beginning to wonder if the kid was actually twisting him around his little finger. He took another sip of his coffee, and said,

"And if it doesn't work on him? I mean, he's stuck with me even if his whole family was against it."

"Then you can fuck him all you want. He asked for it." Demyx said. Axel kicked him in the shin. "Ow! Gee, I was just kidding! Relax, man. How many people didn't turn away from you after you told them the truth? As far as I can count, only me, your lawyer, and Kairi. Kid's not breaking the trio today, is he?"

Axel remained silent. In a way, his friend's honest words hurt him more than he was willing to admit. But he was right, and it hurt him even more to think that Roxas would react just the way Demyx predicts him to.

"I don't know; all this shit is driving me fucking crazy." Axel inhaled deeply and stood up. Nodding at Demyx, he headed for the spare room he stayed in before he moved.

* * *

_He stormed into the house with a murderous expression. He slammed the door shut and this caused her to look around sharply, with something in between apprehension and smugness on her face._

"_What did you say to Riku?" The words gritted their way out his mouth one by one._

"_What's wrong?" She asked, pretending like it was nothing. "What's important about what I said to Riku?"_

"_Quit your acting! What did you say to him?"_

"_Why, my dear…" She sat down at the kitchen table. "I just told him the truth…"_

_He was at breaking point. "Why? Why? Why?'_

"_Well, because…" She sounded horrendously calm. "Because he was coming in between us, Axel. He was taking you away from me. I can't let him do that. I can't let anyone take you away from me. You belong with Mommy. You're my baby. You'll always be mine, my most precious…"_

"_No. No!" He couldn't tell right from wrong with the tears blurring his vision. "No!"_

"No…!" He woke up.

All was dark around him. A car passing by on the highway outside sent moving shadows across the room like a ghost.

Again. He'd seen it again. Another one of the memories he wishes he could erase permanently. He ran his hands over his face. His phone buzzed against the floor where he'd put it.

Thirteen missed calls from Roxas. Fuck.

He was about to turn it off when one new text came in.

'I'm dying; can we please talk?'

Torn between ignoring the kid and caving in, Axel hated the fear that always gripped him whenever someone spoke of dying.

_She hung herself._

The phone buzzed again with yet another call. Swearing with surprise, Axel involuntarily pressed the 'answer' button.

"What the fuck do you want?"

"Uh…" Roxas stuttered; he hadn't expected this call to actually make it through. "…I just wanted to talk."

"'Just wanted to talk.' You know, it's always about what you want. What you want to know, what you want to hear, what you want to believe. You never cared what other people had to say. Well, you know what? Thanks to all that you've wanted, you've successfully fucked my life up so thank you very fucking much." He didn't mean a single word of that, but he couldn't even control the tears that were about to fall.

Roxas didn't say anything. They remained in this silence for minutes.

"…Axel?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry."

Oh God.

"Don't apologize. Just… don't." Axel covered his mouth with a hand.

"Let's not talk about this." Roxas said. "When will you be back?"

"I don't know."

"You can't run away forever."

He wished he could. Oh he wished he could.

"Tomorrow." He said. "I'll be back tomorrow." He had to put an end to this.

"Okay." Roxas didn't even bother to hide the excitement from his voice. It was obscene; if anyone else had been listening to their conversation, Axel would've gotten arrested right away.

* * *

It was simple, just like Demyx said. He just had to make the kid hate him. That was all. Just pull the trigger and watch everything go down the drain. All of that self-healing Roxas had helped him do, all of that rebuilding after the longest abyssal fall. Just throw it all away.

He lit a cigarette first to make himself feel more 'bad-ass', because that was what he was: a coward, the scrawny chicken that everyone hated in high school. He hadn't changed a bit all these years.

"Axel." Roxas opened the door with something akin to a hopeful smile. Axel walked in without an expression.

"So… where'd you go the whole night?" Roxas plopped down at the chair next to Axel's.

"Demyx's." The redhead said.

"Oh." Roxas replied. "So, have you given some thoughts to it?"

Axel eyed the blond.

"To us, I mean." Roxas finished.

"You know that story I told you about Riku?" Axel said.

"Yeah…"

"Well, I lied. We didn't just break up." Axel said. "It wasn't a problem with our personalities."

_It was a normal afternoon. He was coming back home from soccer practice and was excited about his date with Riku, but before he could reach his house he saw someone leaving it. Riku. His silver hair swerved in the air. He had a look of anger and disgust on his face. When he saw Axel at the end of the street he almost ran to approach the redheaded boy._

"_Axel, I can't believe it!" He said. "Your…"_

"_What?" He asked, a look of complete innocence on his face._

"_Come here, I have a couple of questions for you." Riku dragged him over to a tree. "Your mom… she said…"_

Axel had the blond go over to his bed and sit on it. Then he put his face close to Roxas', just like Riku did with his that day.

"_She said you have sex with her regularly. That's crazy! Is your mom alright?"_

_Axel's eyes widened in complete shock._

"_It's not true, is it?" Riku asked him, hope and confidence clear on his face. He only had to say 'no'; only a small lie, and everything could've been kept just the way it was. But Riku's bright eyes shone with earnest expectation—with such __**trust**__. He couldn't lie to Riku; couldn't betray that trust. But he couldn't answer either. He remained silent._

"_Axel…?"_

_He watched as that beautiful face slowly turned from looking confident to uncertain, and finally to sad and disgusted. That was the last he ever saw of Riku._

Roxas' face was ridden with horror, just like Demyx predicted. Axel held his hands firmly around the blond's wrists.

"And that's not the end of it." Axel disguised his self-hatred with a satanic smile. Black floodwater and the demon that lived under.

"_Pop, did you know?" He had a smile on his face. He was so pathetic that it was funny. He stared at the back of his mother who was taking care of the dishes. "Mom had sex with lots of different men in the past five years."_

_His father lowered the newspaper from his face. His mother turned around with horror on her face._

"_No, Axel…"_

"_And she also had sex with me."_

_The pain on his father's face was an expression he'd never forget. It was one of the only reasons he ever regretted telling the truth. But he had to get his revenge. Riku was the one only good thing that happened to his sad and pathetic little life, and she took that away from him too. That was the final straw. She'd forced him into being the monster that he is. She deserves it._

"_Did you hear? The Denzil's are divorcing…"_

"Axel… you're hurting me!" Roxas fought. Axel tore open his shirt. A monster he had become.

"And you know what I said that finally made her go over the edge?"

"_You like this? You want this, huh?" He grabbed her by the head. He really shouldn't be doing this, especially not when her psychiatrist just said that her depression has worsened. "You like my cock so much, bitch?"_

_She choked, and couldn't say anything in return. He pulled at her hair again. "You fucking slut."_

_She was tearing up. He hoped this made her regret what she'd done to him all these years. But somehow it wasn't making the burden on his shoulders any lighter._

"_You're a fucking whore, you know that?" He put his face close to hers. Pathetic, pathetic tearful little being. "You're so useless. You should just go fucking die. Why won't you go die?"_

"Axel, stop. Please…" Roxas hid his face away from the redhead.

_Her cold and stiff body, the hanging feet that wavers in front of the setting sun, through the window._

"_We, the jury, find the Defendant, Axel Denzil, guilty of emotional abuse of a vulnerable adult under the Arizona Code, Revised Statute _§_13-3623__, a class 6 felony and be sentenced to one-year imprisonment, and guilty of involuntary manslaughter under the Arizona Code, Revised Statute _§_13-1103, a class 2 felony and be sentenced to four-year imprisonment, the sentences running consecutively to a total of five-year imprisonment."_

"No…" Tears ran down Roxas' face. Axel let go of him.

"Go." He said. "Go home."

Roxas grabbed his torn shirt and ran out of the apartment. Axel sighed and ran a hand through his bleached-bloody red hair.

* * *

Roxas ran until he couldn't run anymore. Sora came out of his house and ran to his friend.

"Roxas! What are you doing out here?" Sora put his hands on the shoulders of his friend. "I thought your mom made you stay in your room for a week?"

"I ran away." Roxas said through the tear-choked voice of his. "Jumped out the window."

"What?" Sora inspected his friend with worry. Why was Roxas without a shirt? "Are you okay?"

Roxas exploded into a fit of crying in his friend's chest.

* * *

"You didn't actually rape him, did you?" Demyx asked worriedly.

"No." Axel said, slamming the trunk of his car shut. "Just tore up his shirt and maybe left a bruise on his wrist from grabbing it."

Demyx let out a breath of relief; he thought his friend was getting into trouble again.

Axel was packing his things for Florida. Just take the car and drive it out. Arizona just wasn't giving him a second chance, he told Demyx, he needed to get out of there. With both feelings of ambivalence and worry, Demyx saw his friend's leave for The Sunshine State. Perhaps he would find better luck there.

* * *

A/N: Applaud yourself if you survived through that. Check into an asylum if you didn't find yourself disturbed in any way, shape or form. (jk) There is more to it, if you've lasted up til here you deserve something.


	8. Chapter 8

**Monster that I am**

Chapter 8

Warning: Extreme language below. Read at your own risk.

Summary: Axel said, "Look, kid. It was nice knowing you, but I'm afraid your 'Getting-to-Know-Your-Neighborhood-Killer' thing has to stop."

* * *

Four years pushed themselves through without much warning. Demyx's little baby boy had grown to be a jumping five-year-old, and they'd also given him a two-year-old little sister. Not much has changed for Demyx; his diner was running as usual, gas prices have inflated, property taxes have increased, and the Arizonan summer was still its dry hot usual self.

"Hey, Anselm, stop stealing your sister's toys." Demyx yelled behind his back to the living room two doors away as he made his way through the Hot Wheels scattered on the ground, trying not to trip on them. Somebody at the front door was quite impatient.

"Yes, yes, yes, God-fucking… I'm coming!" He mumbled under his breath and finally managed to get to the door.

He opened the door to a blond long time no see.

"I thought you were going to college in California." Demyx said.

"I am. How'd you know?"

"My wife gossiped it out of your neighbors."

"Oh." Roxas said. "It's summer. And I'm… I'm just here for…"

"Axel?"

Something turned sour in Roxas' throat. "Yeah."

"He ain't here." Demyx said. "He… Actually, why don't you come in?" He moved out of the way so Roxas could go into the house. As Roxas passed the living room he greeted Demyx's wife, who smiled at him and shooed her children with her upstairs. "Have a seat."

Roxas did as he was told and sat at the kitchen table. Demyx rummaged through some kitchen cabinets.

"This… was the very first one." He tossed a slightly tanned envelope onto the kitchen table from the pile in his hand. "These were in the first year." He tossed some more envelopes onto the table. They were all addressed to Roxas, from an address in Florida. "That idiot never got a computer so he couldn't just send a goddamn email."

Roxas began breaking open the first envelope.

'_Dear_—_ Hey kid,_

_I don't know why I'm writing this letter… I was gonna just write to Demyx but then I thought… why not? Truth is, you probably won't ever get to read it anyway. So I guess the first thing I need to do is apologize. Well, you probably won't ever forgive me for what I did to you the last time we met, but I still owe you an apology. You didn't deserve to be treated that way. I let myself cross the line and there was no excuse for that._

_You were right the whole time—I hated myself and I hated my past. I kept saying you didn't know shit about me, but who could've if I hadn't told them? I was just fucking scared. Always scared of how people would react to the truth, scared that they'll turn their backs on me, just like Pop and the others did. But what was even more ridiculous was that I was blind the whole time you were there for me. You had no reason to believe in me, you had every right to hate me, but time and again you stood behind me—Fuck, this is starting to sound cheesy. I'll just make it short: I don't know where I would be today if you hadn't been there to make me face myself._

_As you can probably tell already, I'm in Florida right now, trying to start over fresh. It's beautiful over here, even warmer than The Grand Canyon State. I found a job at a local gift shop. I've met all kinds of people from all over the world and I've been starting to think about traveling. I remember you said you go back to Japan every year. Maybe I'll make that my first destination._

_But right now this is all just a dream. I barely make enough to feed myself so traveling around the world is like impossible to me. Maybe someday._

_Axel'_

Roxas grabbed the next one and opened it.

'_Hey kid,_

_I wonder if you ever read the first letter? Probably not. But I'm sure Demyx kept it so just ask him for it. It had some pretty important stuff I wanted to say to you._

_Life in Florida is pretty average. But I appreciate it. For somebody like me, it's a great stroke of luck if I can just stay out of trouble. The storeowner is a real nice guy, even though he's a little hippie and weird sometimes. Still nowhere close to my big traveling plans, though; I've been saving up bits and pieces for it, but not enough. Your family must be rich if you can go back to Japan every year. The plane ticket prices are just fucking insane._

_That's not to say your quarter of a home country isn't awesome. I'm still planning to go… some time in the future. Haha. Do I sound like an idiot to you? Because I sure do to myself._

_Axel'_

Roxas took the third letter and opened it. It was almost three-quarters of a year later and much shorter than the other two.

'_Hey Rox,_

_I just got back from work and I'm dead tired so I'll just make this short. I got a promotion at the store and I'm a "Sales Manager" now. With the new wage things are finally starting to look good for me. The savings for my big traveling plans are moving forward, but, as expected, because of my criminal record, it's gonna be a pain in the ass to get to anywhere. Maybe this was a stupid idea after all. Who would ever want an ex-con in their country?_

_Enough about me; how have you been? By now you should be going to college, huh? Why am I even asking? It's not like you'll give me a reply… Well, anyway._

_Axel'_

Demyx waited until Roxas finished the letter before putting the last regularly sized tan envelope before him. It was about half a year since the last one.

"This was the only one from the second year." He said.

Roxas opened it; there was an attachment that came along with the letter, but he read the letter first.

'_Hey kid,_

_How are you? Demyx sent me some replies saying that he heard you're going to college in The Golden State. Ain't that nice. Don't get too caught up with them suntanned girls, though. College education is important; I learned that the hard way, because it took me two years to save up enough for my big traveling plans._

_That's right! I'd done the math and I could legitimately go on my world travel. Now all I have to do is make sure I have the right documents to get me into the countries. It's all walking on a thin line, you know. Whether or not I actually get to go is up to a few people sitting behind some desks trying to poke through who I am by reading some papers. I should've just taken Yuppie's (Oh, that's the storeowner, by the way. He wants me to call him that) advice and just went. He said most of the countries probably have never even heard of your name. He's had a couple drug charges himself but made it to Europe with no problems. Oh well. I just love pulling shit on myself, don't I?_

_And you probably noticed the attachment, yes? I really don't mean anything by it. I mean… it's completely up to you whether you come or not. If you even want to see me again, that is. But… ah, I'll skip the mushy stuff. If I do make it to London, I'll be waiting for you under the Big Ben every evening from 7 to 8._

_Axel'_

Roxas eagerly moved his eyes away from the handwriting to the attachment in his other hand. It was a plane ticket to London, England that had expired two years ago. The blond looked up at Demyx.

"Did he make it?"

Demyx didn't say a word, but put down a bunch of parcels in different sizes.

"Third year."

Roxas picked up the one with the earliest date. It was sent from London.

'_Hey kid,_

_So I suppose none of the previous letters got to you. That's not surprising, seeing that I asked Demyx to give them to you only if you came looking for me. I guess I'm asking a bit too much to expect you to forgive me after what I'd done to you. Actually, what was I thinking? I was doing to you exactly what my mother did to me. And if I couldn't forgive her, then why would you forgive me? Everyday I try to give myself some rationale, but I can't seem to find any._

_Either way, I wanted to show you the amazing adventure I had in England this past three months. It was freezing ass cold here, first off. As a means to keep myself fed and warm I'd drop in on this bar doing chore works for some hour wages. They've got some real funny people here. The photos in the envelope should tell you most of what I've done, where I've gone and what I've seen._

_My next destination is Düsseldorf, Germany. Apparently that's where my grandparents' parents came from. Maybe I'll go back and do some soul searching, huh? I'll wait for you under the Rheinturm Tower every evening from 7 to 8. _

_Axel'_

With this letter came another plane ticket to Düsseldorf, Germany, which had also expired about two years ago, and the photos Axel mentioned. There was a picture of him at the bar, making silly faces at the camera with the other apparently drunk bartenders. His hair had grown out into a full porcupine shape, and still dyed to the blood red color that only worked well with him. There was another picture of him standing next to a street performer somewhere in London, mocking the performer's pose. Then there was a picture of the Big Ben that Axel probably took with his own hands, golden against the navy blue sky. He'd also taken another silly picture, when he had passed by a policeman riding on a horse, by putting his fingers in front of the camera right under the horse's feet so it looked as if the horse and policeman were miniatures standing on the tip of his fingers. He even got near a Queen's Guard and posed silly around the emotionless soldier.

Roxas put down the photos and picked up the next parcel, postmarked in Germany.

'_Hey Roxas,_

_Wie geht es Ihnen? Here I am, in Düsseldorf, Germany. I've taken up some German, even though there's practically no need for it. Everyone here knows English. I suppose there was one good thing that came out of the British conquering of the world. I've taken on a lead about my family's ancestry, but I've yet to find out more details. Apparently it's not so easy when your whole family decided to just move over to the States and drop the name. I've asked my dad about it, but it doesn't seem likely he'd ever tell me._

_Aside from that, Germany is really quite incredible. It's beautiful looking from anywhere here. It's got… a very unique local color—well, not only the crazy party nightlife they also have here. I don't know. It just seems different from the States; everything seems a lot friendlier._

_I've decided to spend the last month in Germany in Berlin. I'm driving over but you can still come… if you want to. I'll wait for you at the Brandenburg Gate every evening from 7 to 8._

_Axel'_

The short letter came with a ticket to Berlin, Germany, expired one and three-quarters year before, and a few photographs. There were some taken of Axel in a party, then there were a couple taken of him inside a museum. One was taken with him against the backdrop of the Düsseldorf harbor, on a boat. The last one was taken in front of a rather old building, with a rusting metal plate that had fading paint on it, reading "Zimmerman." Standing next to the gate with his hands thrust in his jacket's pockets, Axel had a big smile on his sunlight-washed face, one that Roxas had never seen before.

"Who is…"

"'Zimmerman' was his mother's maiden name." Demyx said. Roxas looked back down at the photo, and carefully put it along with the others.

The next parcel was from Berlin.

'_Hey Roxas,_

_I hope you're doing okay, wherever you are. First, I should let you know that I've managed to find out something about my family. Apparently my maternal grandfather was born in Düsseldorf, from parents who have also lived in Düsseldorf all their lives. He lied to get into the Army when he was 15 so he could fight in the Second World War, and served for a year before the war ended. When he turned 18 he fell in love with a Jewish girl and ran away to the States with her. Then they gave birth to my mother._

_Berlin's a city that's got more content than it could say for itself. You don't really know how much history it contains until you actually got there. I don't know if you've ever been here before but if you haven't, you should._

_Next I'm going to be touring around Europe with a car. As usual, you can come any time you want to. I'm going to Italy next; I'll be waiting for you at Piazza del Duomo in Milan every evening from 7 to 8. You can see my adventure in Berlin from the photographs._

_Axel'_

Roxas found yet another expired plane ticket to Milan, Italy. His mind began to induce images of Axel waiting at each of the landmarks, in the cold snow or cool summer night all alone, surrounded by passing couples and tourists. He tried to imagine the expression on the redhead's face, as each time a big clock on a clock tower or somewhere rings its cruel tune to eight o'clock. He looked at the photos inside the parcel. There were really only a few, but they were somehow most expressive of Axel; all were only black and white. One was taken of him with a very elder lady, inside a dim living room. Roxas turned it over and found the memo 'With grandaunt Becky Zimmerman, Mar/16.' A couple pictures were nothing but scenery that Axel had taken as he drove. Another one was taken of him inside the Berlin Jewish Museum; his tall lean figure, with his back faced to the camera, was dwarfish against the large panoramic exhibit of enslaved Jews. The last one was of him standing in front of the daunting Berlin Wall, again facing away from the camera, with his left hand reaching out at the wall for a soft touch. It was so forlorn Roxas almost wished he could be there with Axel and take his hand.

The next parcel, as expected, was sent from Italy, and the next one from Paris, both with tickets that would've allowed Roxas to fly to each city a year ago. Most pictures depicted him in some festival, or with a group of local hangouts, or one of the other. Occasionally he had taken pictures of the countryside he drove by, and rarely there had been one or two pictures that showed him by himself, not with anyone else, just… alone.

"And these are from the fourth year;" Demyx placed down three more parcels and one envelope, "This year."

Roxas looked up at Demyx with somewhat of an alarm, then he immediately went to work through them.

'_Hey Rox,_

_¿Cómo estás? The past three months in Barcelona have been more than fun. I part-timed with teaching some grade-school kids soccer as I explored this place. I can't even describe how beautiful this place is in writing. You've just gotta see it for yourself. This is what I've learned after last whole year's of traveling: even if you won't ever forgive me and will never go anywhere with me, Rox, I still want to let you know how important it is to go out there. It's part of the reason why I kept sending the letters. I'm amazed at the kind of people I've met on my trips. It's… strange, you know? Like, we don't even speak the same language, and yet somehow we're all capable of empathizing with one another. Even if I couldn't understand them verbally, somehow we always end up finding a way to convey what we wanted to say. Like, we could… communicate. I guess that's what they call being human, huh? Now I always wonder, if only I had known this earlier, then maybe I could've communicated to you too what I really felt back then…_

_I've decided to challenge myself and go to China next. Europe had been fairly lenient on me with her familiarity to English. I'll be in Beijing and I hope to see you at the Tian'anmen Gate. Every evening, 7 to 8, waiting for you._

_Oh, and Demyx had been complaining about me getting a computer to send emails instead of paper mail. I just can't afford it though; I saved up just enough to get the tickets for you and me._

_Axel'_

Roxas looked at the photographs. There were quite a lot taken of him with the school children, in various soccer practice, matches and a few group pictures. Roxas stared at the redhead being leapt onto by seven or more kids, and so he found that Axel had learned how to smile genuinely. The plane ticket to China had expired only a few months ago.

* * *

「你要走囉？」Asked Li Xiong, his teaching partner, as Axel tossed in his mail into the mailbox at the airport.

「对。」Axel replied simply in his heavy Arizonan accent. 「我要去一个对我很important的country。」

「 是这样吗？」Li Xiong said with a sad smile, and patted Axel on the shoulder. 「那你要保重啊。」

「我会的，谢谢。」Axel smiled back, and parted to his way. He looked at his ticket, checked the gate number, and headed for the security check. Finally, his last stop: Japan.

* * *

Roxas picked up the last parcel, sent from Beijing, China.

'_Hey Rox,_

_你好吗__? I'm here, in China. This is such a different place. Not only that it differed from my imagination (I thought it was going to be all dystopian and strict), but also that it just has a different identity from the States. I mean, it's got its urban city center as well, but that's what most people focus on and miss the other side where the buildings are all small little adobes built with stone and got red lanterns hanging in front of the doors. The buildings are built so close together that the street is too narrow for a car to go through, so everybody just walks, like most of the kids running around on the street, or take the pedicab._

_I've been hanging around with this guy name Li Xiong. He's teaching me Chinese as I go along and just brought me around everywhere. We also went up and hiked the Western Hills. It looked like those ethereal posters of Chinese river gorges that you see but never actually experience, with the fog in between each mountain peak. I'm not sure about California Roll, but I can assure you Americans have got their Chinese food all done wrong. I don't think I'd ever be able to eat the "Chinese food" in America after I've been here. I've also been teaching English in some of the less upscale districts. They seemed to be especially enthralled by the idea of learning English directly from a Westerner._

_My next destination is also going to be the last of my travels. After that I'm heading back home to Florida. And there's one more thing… When I come back is the time I will stop writing you the letters. I think I've learned more in the past two years traveling than I have ever done in that nineteen years of my life before going into the slammer. I've come to terms with what happened in between us and though I still hope for your forgiveness, I understand that we both need to move on. Or, well, at least I should. You probably already did._

_I'll be waiting for you below the Hattori clock tower every evening from 7 to 8._

_Axel'_

There were photos of him on the hike, and photos of him inside what looked like a shabby classroom, surrounded by children. There was someone alongside him, an Asian man of about forty. He had gone bargaining at the farmers' market, went to a temple and had a monk pray for him, saw the Dragon Boat racing, and played fireworks on the street.

Demyx pointed at the envelope on the table. It was addressed to him, from Japan.

"Isn't this… yours?" Roxas looked up at him. Demyx nodded.

"Yeah, but you can take a look."

Roxas peeked inside the already-opened white envelope and found a small stack of photos. From them Roxas saw that Axel had gone to learn how to play Taiko, visited a shrine, tried on a kimono and experienced a festival for himself. And finally, on the bottom of the stack, Axel took a picture with a sushi chef, both grinning, with a California Roll comfortably situated in between Axel's chopsticks.

"You miss him, don't you?" Demyx couldn't help smiling at the blond's intent gaze down at the photo. Roxas looked up sharply, finding no words to reply with. "Then just go. Go. You can still make it."

Roxas looked back down at all the mail. He grabbed the parcel from China again and shook it to retrieve the plane ticket. It was still in effect. Grabbing his stuff, Roxas ran out the door.

* * *

「これは最後のです。」Axel moved one more sack into the rusty hut and said. 「それでは、お疲れ様でした。」

「おお、ご苦労さん。」The manager, seated behind his desk still looking over some files, put down the document in his hand and said. 「急いでいんね。」

「いや、大事な人を待ってるんで。」Axel said sheepishly.

「コレかい？」The manager smiled a smile that looked, unfortunately, slightly perverted on his face, and pointed his pinky up. This gesture meant "girlfriend."

「まだそこまでは…」Axel smiled sheepishly once again, then bowed and finally made his way out.

* * *

"Head to the Wako store in Ginza, please." Roxas climbed into the taxi hurriedly. "Please hurry." He checked his watch; 7:30. If the traffic was not bad he could make it; if it was…

Axel was leaned against the sandy surfaced brick wall. Even on a regular weekday, the district was bustling with people. A few people gave him weird looks for his hair color, something he'd grown accustomed to. He checked his watch; 7:54. Looks like it's another night of wasted waiting. It's alright, he thought, he'd already waited like this for a year and more than half. He wondered if it was all just a waste; wondered if the letters ever got to Roxas at all. Sighing, he pulled out a Chupa Chups, unwrapped it, and stuck it into his mouth. It's his way of quitting cigarette.

Only a few more months and he would be on his way home. No more waiting, no more hoping, no more wishing to see just a tuft of that blond hair he'd last seen four years ago. Four years. Quite a while to be thinking only about one person. Axel sighed again and felt a little like crying, as much as it was against what he wanted. He then wondered how Demyx was doing. Wondered what his boy looked like now.

"I'll just get off here." Roxas was anxious. He handed his fare to the driver and climbed out of the taxi, starting to run. He ran past staring people towards the ghostly lit up clock tower. It said 7:58. "Out of the way!" Without even caring about how rude he sounded, he yelled loudly to forewarn the pedestrians of his coming.

And Demyx's baby girl is two now… Time just doesn't wait for you. He looked at his watch again, and all of a sudden someone stepped into the vicinity with a really loud footstep. Axel looked up.

Roxas was doubled over, having trouble just keeping his breath steady enough from hyperventilating. People stared at both of them. Axel stared at Roxas.

"Oh my God." Roxas finally said after a while. "Why do you have to make me run so much?"

"The ticket's flight time was flexible!" Axel said with the tone of 'it wasn't my fault!'

"The flight got delayed." Roxas slashed his eyes at Axel. Weird how they talked to each other like nothing happened in between them. Like four years of separation didn't exist at all; just a figment of their imagination.

Axel shrugged, holding his Chupa Chups into the air.

"Lollipop?" Roxas wrinkled his eyes at the redhead.

"I'm trying to quit smoking." Axel gave Roxas' head a shove. The blond growled at him in return. Roxas seemed… somehow, weary. Not like he's jetlagged—just… tired. Axel could see the loneliness behind his irises, and could see as well that he had grown tired of the loneliness. He wondered what the blond went through last four years. He was what… twenty-one? And Axel himself was twenty-eight? They were legal; but would this work at all?

"Where are you staying…?" Roxas had a hand on his head where he was fixing the hair that Axel messed up; it covered his face.

"Hotel." Axel felt the need to look away from Roxas.

"I've got nowhere to stay." Roxas said, having come directly from the airport. Four years ago he asked Axel the same thing.

"And let me mess you up? No, thanks." Axel said, still looking away from Roxas. The kid was still going to college.

"You already did." Roxas let down his hand, glaring at the redhead. "Four years ago. Do you know how much you messed me up? I couldn't even _look _at anyone without thinking of you first. And I couldn't date anyone for over half a year 'cause in the end I'd always realize that they're…" He hesitated, not wanting to admit the truth. It felt like a crackdown on his dignity, somehow. "…That they're not you."

The bell chimed above them. Axel had a frown on him. "What do you want me to do?"

"You dragged me into this." Roxas said. "Take responsibility for it."

Axel said nothing, but once again felt defeated. This kid just had him locked down, no way to escape.

"Alright!" Axel rubbed his eyes exasperatedly and said. "But you have to promise me you'll finish college first."

"Well, duh."

"And I can't guarantee you if I can find a job in California. They've got way too many people over there, overpriced rents, and with my record it doesn't look good."

"I can go to Florida."

"…" Axel couldn't find anything to say back and found that it was getting harder to suppress the onset of emotion that was coming on. "Then come with me."

And Roxas followed, from Ginza to the hotel room, and all the way to Florida.

* * *

A/N: One in every six boys are sexually abused before the age of 18. 90% of child sexual abuse offenders are someone known to the child, and 30% are relatives to the child. Children who are abused are more likely to develop depression, PTSD, eating disorders, substance abuse, destructive/aggressive behavior, criminal behavior, sexual dysfunction, agraphobia (fear of sexual abuse), erotophobia (fear of sexual love), genophobia (fear of sexual intercourse), gynophobia (fear of women) or androphobia (fear of men) accordingly.

There will be a lemon after this… A sweet lemon. If you're really curious you can go google-translate the foreign language conversations (or you can be super badass and know all the languages), although they don't really pose a great threat to the progression of the plot even if you can't understand them. Just a fun little thing you can do, lol.

Lastly, I hope, as with my other stories, that you've learned something more about life (other than just how bitchy it is) with each little bit of my stories. I always try to bring in elements that were my aspirations as I was coming of age into my writing. So, chill out, enjoy the gay love, enjoy life, have fun, and be safe. Goodnight.


	9. Special

**Monster that I am**

Disclaimers and warnings: do not own the character names in this story. Do own plot and personalities.

A/N: Finally, the promised extra lemon ending. Unlike in my past stories that actually had a lemon, I tried very hard not to make it a trashy, porn-centered chapter so I threw in (ahem, quite) a bit of funny dialogues. Hope you enjoy this and hope at the end of it you have a smile on your face.

Inspiration credit: _E.T. _by Katy Perry, _Tonight (I'm lovin' you)_ by Enrique Iglesias ft. Ludacris, and _Come on Get Higher _by Matt Nathanson, one mention of Jason Mraz.

* * *

"Welcome aboard…flight o-seven…traveling from Tucson, Arizona to Miami, Flo…"

The airplane engines rang their way across the cabin attendant's words. She paused midway looking at him with extra attention, apparently checking his seat belt. He smiled a small smile at her in between annoyance and nervousness; she smiled back, flushed.

Half an hour ago, his mother was just standing with him before the departure gate with his father. She was all torn up, and his father was not smiling.

"Oh, my Roxas…" She sniffed once more from her handkerchief, and put her arms around him. He wanted to roll his eyes. "I'm going to miss you! Are you sure you don't want to stay here?"

"Mom, I'm going to grad school there." Roxas laughed helplessly.

"I know, I just…" She let go of him. "I thought that was done and over with in California."

"Bet you're trying to conquer one state after another, eh?" His father tried again with his dry humor, and patted him on the arm. Roxas smiled with a shrug. His father reached up to pat his head. "Such a big boy now. Bigger than me!"

Indeed he was taller than his father now, and the economy-sized seats had become uncomfortable for him, but no matter how tall he grew, he was never taller than the man who now stood before him.

Neither of them knew how exactly to greet each other. His fellow passengers behind were rapidly flowing through and melding into the rest of the populace in the arrival lobby. Only this guy—stood out in the crowd with his abnormally tall height and flame-like hair; and he was too busy doing something on his phone too to notice people staring at him, until he looked up and met eyes with Roxas.

Seeing as they could not figure out what to say, Axel held out his hand to offer taking Roxas' luggage for him. Then Roxas was the first to say, "Thanks."

* * *

Roxas remembers this car. He remembers how he cried and cried in here for the same person who is now driving the car. That was the first trip down Memory Lane that day. Then he remembered a favor he was asked of from Demyx.

"I went by Demyx's house before heading to the airport," He pulled out his phone and began to flip through the photos, "Look at his baby girl all grown up now."

Axel lifted his eyes from the road and to the lively child pictured. A smile spread across his face. They've been talking on the phone for hours on end every week for the past year but this was the first time Roxas saw his smile for real.

* * *

Axel's apartment was a modest one-bedroom apartment on the upper floor of a complex (though it used to be the studio unit downstairs, so he said, until Roxas asked about moving in, and Axel had the landlord move him into the vacant room upstairs) situated in a quiet working class neighborhood. As Roxas struggled to get his luggage up the cement stairs, he saw two men squatted far over around the corner of the parking lot. They eyed the blond and leered at him, then proceeded to perform an indecent gesture with the cigarette in their mouths.

"Rox, let go."

Roxas snapped out of his stare, "Huh?" Axel had one hand on his luggage and the other hand on the bottom of it.

"Let go, I'll take it." Axel said.

"Oh." Roxas did as Axel told. He could feel those two shaggy-clothed guys leering at him again. Axel looked over his shoulder and frowned.

"Come on, get inside." He placed a hand on Roxas' shoulder and moved the blond up the stairs and into the door, then he brandished his middle finger at the two men.

"Axel!" Roxas caught the redhead's gesture and complained after they were both indoors.

"What?"

"They could've had a gun." Roxas said.

"Are you worried?" Axel asked as he put down the luggage in his arms.

"I don't know; should I be?" Roxas questioned back, arms crossed.

"Hey, relax." Axel touched the sides of Roxas' arms. "They know who I am. They wouldn't fuck with me."

"And I suppose I should be grateful?" Roxas let out a helpless breath and grabbed his luggage, heading for the bedroom. His remark left a sigh and a frown on Axel, who went into the kitchen for a cup of water, but the bottle of water in the fridge was becoming devoid of water, and he reckoned they'd have to head to a supermarket soon.

"Look, Rox, are you—" Axel turned around towards the bedroom, where Roxas emerged from the door, flushed.

"There's only one bed in there." The blond said. One giant, queen-sized bed.

"Yeah, I switched out my old one." Axel said. "You can't possibly think we'd fit in a twin bed, do you?"

"We're gonna…?" Roxas stopped himself before he could ask. His furious blush was the final clue to hit Axel.

Crossed in between a blush and a laugh, Axel held Roxas' cheek and kissed him. He noticed Roxas' considerable height growth, and the long curled dirty blond lashes when he closed his blue eyes.

It wasn't that they hadn't done it before—they shared their first night at the hotel in Ginza that night two years ago. But it was the prospect of _sleeping in the same bed everyday with each other from now on_ that made it hard for Roxas to spit out the words.

"What did you want to ask me about?" Roxas said upon opening his eyes.

"Hm?" Axel raised his brows.

"You were about to ask me if I…?"

"Oh," Axel said. "Are you sure you're okay with living here?" He looked down at his fingers. Roxas eyed his movements. "It's a pretty drastic change of neighborhood, after all." The redhead looked up around the pragmatically neat apartment and avoided Roxas' gaze. "I can't find a better place, because, well… you know, a lot of landlords do background checks."

"Look, if I wasn't ready I wouldn't be here." Roxas said, and grabbed Axel's hands. "But… have you ever thought about petitioning for expungement?"

Axel's face seemed to sink in expression. He'd been through this with his lawyer.

"It's possible with Arizona Statue. They call it 'setting aside' but it's the same thing." Roxas continued. "I checked about it. If you—"

"I know it's possible, Rox." Axel turned away from the blond and grabbed a soft drink from the fridge. "It's just a matter if it's the right thing to do."

"What do you mean if it's the right thing to do?" Roxas frowned. "Axel, you were the victim—"

"Was I, really?" His green eyes pierced to the heart of Roxas. "Because even I don't know. I just can't imagine not living with it for the rest of my life—They're going to _erase_ it, Rox. Like it never happened. How am I supposed to pretend that it never happened?"

"It was more than ten years ago, Axel." Roxas said. "And it wasn't your fault, okay? Even if it was, you've already paid your price. You've finished your sentence. It's time you stop blaming yourself for what happened—" Even as he said this, he knew that they both knew at the age of thirty Axel needn't Roxas to tell him what he ought to do. "And it's time you stop letting her death drag on your life. You're with the living. You've got to start living." That was the whole reason why he moved in here—to start a life with Axel here, in this little apartment in Miami, Florida. He had wanted to accompany Axel on his new step in restarting life.

"I'm going to take a drive." Axel said and put down the drink in his hand onto the kitchen counter, and headed out the door. Roxas covered his face in an expression of pain.

* * *

Axel sighed loudly as he thumped his forehead onto the steering wheel of his car. Roxas was right. He knew Roxas was right and they'd been through this a couple times. He was as confused as Roxas and perhaps his lawyer on just why the heck he was afraid of trying. He looked up at the front door of his apartment. It _had_ been more than ten years. Roxas is here, now, moving in. What else can he ask for?

With another sigh, he kicked in the gear and started down the driveway.

* * *

"Yes, I'm fine, Mom. The flight got here just fine." He softly said. His ears were filled with either the noise around his mother's voice or the sizzling sound from the saucepan he was sautéing zucchini with. "I'm making dinner. I said I'm making dinner. No, no, he probably doesn't. I don't know. He's gone out for now. Um, yeah, sure—he's a research student too. He, uh, he's studying, um, business, I think. Something to do with business. Yeah, he's totally fine. Mom. Mom. I trust him, okay? He's a friend of Sora's. Ryan. His name is Ryan. Okay. Okay, see you."

"Was that your mother?" Axel closed the door quietly behind him. His voice startled Roxas but Roxas didn't turn around from the cooking range.

"Yeah… uh, yeah." He poured raw chicken into another saucepan. "She called to see how I was."

"And…?" Axel put the keys down onto the coffee table. This was something that always amazed him—they could always talk like nothing happened after an argument.

"And… she thinks my roommate is a business grad student named Ryan at Florida International U." Roxas said.

"Ryan?" Axel almost chuckled. "At least business wasn't a bad choice."

"It was because you said you're the store manager of the second branch of the gift store you were working at. Business was the first thing that came to my mind after that." Roxas sniffed, face still turned away from Axel. "And Ryan was a mutual childhood imaginary friend of mine and Sora's."

Axel really chuckled out loud this time. Roxas did too but Axel heard there was a sob to it. Axel frowned and stepped into the kitchen, stopping Roxas' arms with his hand. He tipped Roxas' face towards him, and saw dried tear treks.

With pain in his heart he kissed Roxas on the lips, and on the dried tears, and on the lips again.

"I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have brought it up again—I…" Roxas began. "And I'm not any better myself, can't tell my mom who I'm really with…"

"Hey, hey." Axel cupped the sides of Roxas' head gently with his palms. "That's not something you can control. There's nothing we can do about how she thinks."

"I know, but…" Roxas closed his eyes and accepted the chaste kisses Axel planted onto his forehead and cheeks and lips. "I just want you to be happier…"

"I know. I know, Rox." Axel said. "I called my lawyer. He said he'd help me start the setting-aside procedures."

Roxas looked at Axel somewhat surprised. Axel grinned and meshed his lips onto Roxas'. Axel's lips felt _good_; it wasn't just that they were soft or anything—he was good with them. He knew how not to overwhelm Roxas and still keep the kiss going.

"Mm, mm, Axel, Axel!" Roxas broke apart for a gasp of air and, "The switch." His eyes glanced over to the switches of the cooktop, which were still on. Axel smirked and turned them off.

One step, two steps, three steps back. Break for air, and Axel pulled his shirt off. They met again at the lips. Roxas pulled their bodies together so he could better feel the radiating heat from Axel. Even the air became moist and warm. A wet warm tongue travels down the side of his neck. He could feel—

"Don't bite—"

Roxas could feel teeth grazing his neck ever so lightly. So much for hoping to meet his professor without sporting a hickey or wearing a turtleneck in mid-summer Florida weather. His shoulder blades contracted as if wings were growing out of them and his shirt was up up and off. He cried out as soon as Axel sucked on his left nipple. He was hit with a nausea, the kind you get when blood rushes to your head. Work downward, and further down—

And back up at the lips. Roxas almost let out a frustrated groan. Revenge: defeat Axel's tongue.

"I never asked—" Axel heaves out. Their first and only night was back in Japan. Had no time for questions. "How many people…" Roxas' revenge does not stop after the surrender of his victim. "…have you done this with?"

Roxas almost wanted to stop at that question, though it didn't deter his efforts. "Honestly, you're going to ask me that question right now?"

"I wanna know." Hands poised, keep touching. Nibble his ear, like Jason Mraz sings.

"I lost—I _didn't_ keep track." Roxas answered.

_He lost?_ What did he mean "he lost"—

"You _lost track_?" Axel almost laughed.

"_Didn't_. I said 'didn't.'"

"You suck at lying." Axel said. Roxas finally stopped kissing his abs, and looked into green eyes. The room sinks away as Axel pushed him onto the bed. "You man-whore."

"Hm, you wish, baby. There were no more than five of them." Roxas hummed out as Axel worked down his body again. "And besides, they never got to do the whole—" Another stop before he let himself slip. All red. Axel smirked.

"Do the whole what?" So this was what it felt to have 'special privilege'.

"Damn."

"The whole…?"

"The whole damn thing!" Roxas hid his burning face behind arms. He was dangerously close to becoming crazy.

"As in?"

"As in put your dick in my ass and fuck me until I bleed!"

Axel laughed and climbed back on top of Roxas. "Maybe not the bleeding, that sounds a bit creepy."

"Fuck you."

"Oh, I will, until you 'come'. That sounds more appetizing."

"Just… stop talking." Roxas' sentence whimpered off at the end as he let loose his arms, revealing the almost horrendously red blush. He grabbed Axel's face and kissed him. It was bad. It was like he couldn't hold himself together—and now that they're officially together (moved in!) he would goddamn admit it because he can: he _wanted_ Axel… real bad.

It was hard to get over the pleasure one gets from the receiving end of a blowjob, ugly as it sounds. Roxas was writhing in the sheets, feeling something sink in his stomach. Nothing felt more like a dream than this. The face of agony in the midst of pleasure. Everything was sucking in and he couldn't help his voice from crying out.

"You're so beautiful when you cry like that." Axel whispered next to Roxas' ear. At this point, Roxas couldn't even find the energy to talk back at Axel, but instead just held onto Axel's arms and rode out the rest of the orgasm. Breathe in, breathe out.

"You remember the first time we kissed?" Roxas suddenly asked, unable to suppress the smile on his face upon recollection.

"You mean when I had so much pent-up frustration with you that I decided the best thing to do was to make out with you?" Axel said. Roxas laughed. "Yeah, I remember."

"I keep wondering why we never went through to the end with that." Roxas looked at Axel.

"Wasn't it obvious?" Axel touched a fringe of Roxas' hair. "I couldn't bear to be touched." Roxas remained silent, his eyes questioning. "When she was still alive I was compelled to do it, but after she was dead, when I no longer had to be stark naked in front of anyone… I repulsed being touched. I couldn't—actually I still can't even envision the naked body of a woman, and I'd rather be out of the vicinity of anyone's naked body, let alone a woman's."

This was the moment Roxas could find no words but a need to kiss his boyfriend.

"But… now it's okay if I touch you… like this?" Roxas laid a hand on Axel's neck, and slid it down to his chest.

"Well, you've grown to look quite different from her." Axel smiled.

"And what about this…?" Roxas switched them into cowboy so he was sitting on top of Axel. Axel had to be getting those abs from _somewhere_ _somehow_.

"You teasing me?"

A slow grin crept across Roxas' face, "… And this?"

"Ahh." Axel let out.

Heat and sweat and weight. Axel had wanted to turn off the bedside lamp that gave off honey-shaded light but wasn't sure if Roxas was okay with the dark. Roxas was so concentrated at what his hands were doing. Such beautiful being. Actually, never mind turning off the lights; now he couldn't stop staring. Body moving with a slow rhythm, trying his patience, tempting.

He right hand went automatically searching for the condoms he had for some reason stashed in the bedside cupboard. Axel tugged Roxas' arm so the blond would open his blue eyes and let Axel kiss him. His heart in his throat and his hands fumbling, plastic package almost dropping. Roxas kissed him one more time, holding him, whispers, "I'm ready."

For Roxas it was the strangest feeling. Not entirely unpleasant but _God it hurts_. That being said, it probably was true for any guy, not just him. But people must be lying if they say it doesn't hurt the first time or it feels good. Whatever they say about feeling all ecstatic and emotionally gratified (like "finally as one together"), bullshit. It felt fucking weird was what it was. So he grabbed at Axel's arms as hard as he could, even to the point where it hurts the redhead, because—well, damn, he was having quite a fucking hard time and Axel'd better make it good.

For Axel it was mostly a feeling of bodily heat. He could tell the blood inside Roxas was running fast just from the kind of heat he felt. He waited and waited because he could also tell Roxas was struggling. Let him go at his pace. When his arms started hurting from the way Roxas dug into them, he knew he was needed. Take a deep breath, take it slow. Give some leverage to Roxas. It started feeling good and the way Roxas moved was so _damn sexy_ it didn't help.

"Axel…"

They rolled together in a rhythm, and the more familiar Roxas seemed to grow used to the riding the faster they went, until Roxas couldn't hold his balance anymore and bent down. Their arms found ways around each other; Axel found his lips situated right next to Roxas' left ear.

"I love you." He said.

Roxas opened his eyes.

"When'd you get so cheesy?" Roxas asked while breathing heavily.

"You started it."

"Hm, did I?" They kissed; Roxas loved the way Axel tasted. "Well, we _are_ making love. So, I love you too."

That made Axel flip themselves over. Spreading his arms protectively over Roxas, he guided their bodies so they moved as if melded together. Roxas could feel blood rushing to his face. Was it from passion? Was it from the exercise? Was it from embarrassment (because strange as it sounds, he felt embarrassed showing all of himself in front of Axel—and he never felt _that_ even when he was messing around with his ex-girlfriends and -boyfriends)? He had no clue anymore. Axel held his hands, and he knew Axel would lead him into that place in light.

* * *

"Well, how was it?" Axel asked. One of his fingers idly moved across Roxas' skin. The blond was all curled up into a ball, looking tired and comfortably buried under the fluffy and heavy comforter.

"You want my honest opinion?" Roxas caught that finger and held it to stop Axel from tickling him further. "If it weren't for you, I'd never let anyone put his dick in my ass. It was just so—_oh my God_."

Axel laughed, and rolled Roxas tighter into his arms.

"Only for me?"

"Only for you, baby." Roxas sighed somewhat helplessly. "It was just so _incredibly uncomfortable_. Look! I can't even get up now! And I'm hungry."

"'Cause we never ate dinner." Axel said.

"Yup."

"We went straight to the bed."

"Yup."

"You want me to cook you dinner?"

"Late-night is more like it." Roxas rolled to his back, wincing a little. "And yes, I want you to—wait, you can cook?"

"I couldn't possibly eat out every night when I was living alone, could I?"

"Well… I wouldn't, but my roommate in college did." Roxas recalled for a moment, "But anyway. Could you finish cooking what I was cooking before we, um…"

"Went lovemaking?"

"Yeah." Roxas chuckled. "Zucchini with chicken? Over spaghetti."

"And I thought I would get to taste your cooking for once. It's your move-in day."

"Too bad. You should've thought of that before you seduced me to bed. Now I can't get up so no, I can't cook."

Axel kissed Roxas again. "Alright, beautiful. You deserve it."

"Don't call me 'beautiful.'"

"Then what should I call you?" Axel propped himself on one knee and arm. Roxas gave himself a moment to think about it.

"'My love.'" Roxas said. "Call me 'my love.'"

Axel chuckled over how silly it was that Roxas was no better a hopeless romantic than himself. "Alright, my Love, Roxas." He kissed Roxas' forehead, and stood up from the bed to put on a pair of boxers.

Roxas watched with a smile as Axel disappeared into the kitchen.

This is a good start.


End file.
